Thursday, February 08, 2007
(photo by Tia - Suwannee River Bank Mighty Oak)
I wish to thank Kunzang for her beautiful comment, and the above link (title) she sent me in her comment to my previous post.
I am finally feeling more up than down these days. As I have stayed quiet, this experience, this process, has continued to unfold for me... Not always in ways that I find easy to accept - but it does keep going. In this post I will not attempt to recap all the steps along the way, I'm merely going to write from where I am today. This may therefore seem very disjointed and random - but I finally feel like writing, so this is what it will be...
There are a lot of joys in my life. I have reasons to walk in gratitude every single moment. Much of the time I realize this. And yet, many times - all too many times in a single a day it seems - I also forget this. I get wrapped up in this fictional story called "me" and "my life". Instead of joyfully observing, I get personally involved, and attached, to the drama. I feel intense feelings. It all seems so real. Over and over I forget the truth that I know to be. And therefore, it follows, I struggle.
Today has been one of those days when I have struggled more. I have questions and no answers. Or so it feels. I don't feel as angry as I have felt lately. Just depressed. Well, maybe angry too. But most of all, I feel confused. At least I no longer feel abandoned. So I have made progress.
I have been reading the series "Conversations With God" by Neale Donald Walsch. The message is one that I have heard before, through many different books and movies, and as always, it is the most amazingly comforting, nurturing, loving message I have ever heard. It is one that rings true to me. It is, in many ways, what I know to be in my deepest being. And yet, it seems, I consistently deny that truth. My actions speak louder than my words. Why do I make this so difficult for myself? What fear, what illogical thought, what non-truth am I holding onto that makes me choose a belief in the "lesser me"? I can only imagine it is fear. Fear of what though? Fully taking responsibility for my life? Fully accepting that I am a part of the solution to the problems in this world, and that what I do matters? That if I stop being so concerned about being loved and focus more on being LOVING, somehow I might go without? (I don't even believe that as I write it, but it was a thought I had so I am leaving it there...)
So what I am struggling with is (well, there is a WHOLE LOT more - but this is the most pressing "stuff" - it is, after all, MY drama!); since we create our own reality with our thoughts (which are energy), and we are only granted that which we MOST desire (because the natural laws of the universe can't do ANYTHING BUT THAT - and even science is finally coming to this conclusion), WHY do I seem to, at this time, desire or need to attract this experience of confusion, un-clarity, indecision??? WHAT is it that I am seeking to understand or remember or realize here? WHAT in this lack of clarity and sense of feeling lost and this drama of "losing our dream" is helping us? WHY is it that apparently our souls have desired (and attracted), for more than two years now, this vacillating, back-and-forth, struggle? What are we supposedly enjoying, on a higher level of our being, in all of this? WHY would not all the actions we HAVE TAKEN (including committing huge amounts of $$$$, time and emotional energy, and having our house on the market for OVER A YEAR with an overall price reduction of nearly $100,000 - most recently well below our realtor's recommendation!!) be enough to bring about what we thought we wanted?!?! WHAT IS THIS SUPPOSEDLY ABOUT?!?!?! If everything always happens exactly as we would have it happen (according to our deepest soul's desire) then can SOMEONE clue me IN!!???
Clarity is welcome anytime now.
These are the endless thoughts cycling in my head. Being mad at the Universe, only to realize WE are the Universe. And it is ALL an illusion. None of it matters, not really, in the end. Somehow, in the end - and in the mean time - it is all about Love. Being Love. How do I do that RIGHT NOW? Am I to just say "What about you?" in all the moments of my day? Seek ways to do the healing work I so deeply desire to do? Go about being the most loving wife, daughter, friend, sister that I can be?... Bring joy to others?... Quite irregardless of my surroundings, or what "I" might desire for "myself". I need help in trying to understand, in rising above what still seems to be my Ego screaming "What about ME?!"
How exactly do I live in this world while remembering that I am not OF it, when the drama seems so irresistibly real? Why do I resist letting go of the illusion? Why is it so difficult to say "YES!!!" to it all?