Thursday, February 08, 2007

"What about me?"

(photo by Tia - Suwannee River Bank Mighty Oak)

I wish to thank Kunzang for her beautiful comment, and the above link (title) she sent me in her comment to my previous post.

I am finally feeling more up than down these days. As I have stayed quiet, this experience, this process, has continued to unfold for me... Not always in ways that I find easy to accept - but it does keep going. In this post I will not attempt to recap all the steps along the way, I'm merely going to write from where I am today. This may therefore seem very disjointed and random - but I finally feel like writing, so this is what it will be...

There are a lot of joys in my life. I have reasons to walk in gratitude every single moment. Much of the time I realize this. And yet, many times - all too many times in a single a day it seems - I also forget this. I get wrapped up in this fictional story called "me" and "my life". Instead of joyfully observing, I get personally involved, and attached, to the drama. I feel intense feelings. It all seems so real. Over and over I forget the truth that I know to be. And therefore, it follows, I struggle.

Today has been one of those days when I have struggled more. I have questions and no answers. Or so it feels. I don't feel as angry as I have felt lately. Just depressed. Well, maybe angry too. But most of all, I feel confused. At least I no longer feel abandoned. So I have made progress.

I have been reading the series "Conversations With God" by Neale Donald Walsch. The message is one that I have heard before, through many different books and movies, and as always, it is the most amazingly comforting, nurturing, loving message I have ever heard. It is one that rings true to me. It is, in many ways, what I know to be in my deepest being. And yet, it seems, I consistently deny that truth. My actions speak louder than my words. Why do I make this so difficult for myself? What fear, what illogical thought, what non-truth am I holding onto that makes me choose a belief in the "lesser me"? I can only imagine it is fear. Fear of what though? Fully taking responsibility for my life? Fully accepting that I am a part of the solution to the problems in this world, and that what I do matters? That if I stop being so concerned about being loved and focus more on being LOVING, somehow I might go without? (I don't even believe that as I write it, but it was a thought I had so I am leaving it there...)

So what I am struggling with is (well, there is a WHOLE LOT more - but this is the most pressing "stuff" - it is, after all, MY drama!); since we create our own reality with our thoughts (which are energy), and we are only granted that which we MOST desire (because the natural laws of the universe can't do ANYTHING BUT THAT - and even science is finally coming to this conclusion), WHY do I seem to, at this time, desire or need to attract this experience of confusion, un-clarity, indecision??? WHAT is it that I am seeking to understand or remember or realize here? WHAT in this lack of clarity and sense of feeling lost and this drama of "losing our dream" is helping us? WHY is it that apparently our souls have desired (and attracted), for more than two years now, this vacillating, back-and-forth, struggle? What are we supposedly enjoying, on a higher level of our being, in all of this? WHY would not all the actions we HAVE TAKEN (including committing huge amounts of $$$$, time and emotional energy, and having our house on the market for OVER A YEAR with an overall price reduction of nearly $100,000 - most recently well below our realtor's recommendation!!) be enough to bring about what we thought we wanted?!?! WHAT IS THIS SUPPOSEDLY ABOUT?!?!?! If everything always happens exactly as we would have it happen (according to our deepest soul's desire) then can SOMEONE clue me IN!!???

Clarity is welcome anytime now.

These are the endless thoughts cycling in my head. Being mad at the Universe, only to realize WE are the Universe. And it is ALL an illusion. None of it matters, not really, in the end. Somehow, in the end - and in the mean time - it is all about Love. Being Love. How do I do that RIGHT NOW? Am I to just say "What about you?" in all the moments of my day? Seek ways to do the healing work I so deeply desire to do? Go about being the most loving wife, daughter, friend, sister that I can be?... Bring joy to others?... Quite irregardless of my surroundings, or what "I" might desire for "myself". I need help in trying to understand, in rising above what still seems to be my Ego screaming "What about ME?!"

How exactly do I live in this world while remembering that I am not OF it, when the drama seems so irresistibly real? Why do I resist letting go of the illusion? Why is it so difficult to say "YES!!!" to it all?


Stephen Newton said...

Welcome back, dear Tia. My, how thoughtful you've grown. Why are you resisting confusion? It's OK to practice acceptance by accepting that we are confused, lost, distracted. Acceptance is acceptance of what is, surrender even to confusion is a way out. Like letting sleep take hold, allowing unconscious intuition to appear.

How cool for you both. It is always darkest before the dawn, because we must release the old to make way for the present moment, which is always perfect.

OK. I don't know who was talking there....I think I channeled it....eeeks.

Catherine said...

Stephen's comments are very wise. I don't think there are answers for many of the questions we ask ourselves - that's the frustration and the joy of life on earth (at least it's not boring).
I hope you feel a little more peaceful soon.
By the way, the NZ housing market is quite the opposite of that in the US. Inflated prices, houses sold in a couple of days, and mortgage interest rates of close to 8%. It's really, really difficult to buy here at the moment - which makes me a very proud mum that my eldest daughter has just managed to find a wee house in her price range and that she has saved hard enough to be able to afford it.
Thanks for visiting my blog today!

keda said...

stephen may have been channeling me ;)

i've had this page open all day.. but for some reason couldn't feel like actually reading it until just now. after i put the kids to bed.

good job too :)

all that stephen said. definately. and also, i know it sounds tacky, but you don't always get what you want. the universe does e v e n t u a l l y give us what we want and need. but it often/always plays a few games along the way. to test if we are ready, able to appreciate, asking for what we actually need.
you will get what you need.
just be positive in that. what you need now is this time, these frightening, confusing lessons.
and to kiss your other. now. deeply.

enjoy sweetness.
you are home. make it so.

Bobealia... said...

I'm on the fence about the whole "Secret" stuff. I mean did all those people in New Orleans have that happen to them because they somehow all had negative thoughts? They deserved it? I think we can think positively and ask for what we want, but I also think the whole world balances itself in mysterious ways. We can make lessons out of everything, we can except the present, we can ask for what we want, but... only the universe knows the rest.
There is a good article in Harpers about this phenomenon - I mean about "The Secret."
I like listening to you plough through it. It's very wonderful to hear your voice again.

Tia said...

Steve - I guess I just get tired. Confusion has been a companion of mine for such a long time on this journey now, and I guess I am just questioning as to why I still find it necessary?

Keda - I couldn't agree more. I believe we get what we need. Which could be different than what I say "I want".

Bo - What I seem to be getting from "Conversations With God" (CWG) is that if we think only on the level of our physical being on this earth, then many things might not make sense and yet, yes, we do create all of it. Including the most "horrific events". But that only makes sense in the larger context of what our soul(s) are here to do. And CWG is the first place where the soul's jouney is explained to me in such a complete way as to make sense. Many other books have come close, but CWG seems to go deeper. So, even though the being I perceive as "me" right now doesn't enjoy what is going on, I choose to believe that it is all very purposeful. But then there is my Ego. And it just wants pleasure and joy and happiness all the time!

I haven't seen "Secret" yet - I am looking forward to it though. And, by the way - I appreciate that you perceive me as "ploughing through" this. Sometimes I feel like I am being ploughed over instead!

Thank you for all of you for actually wading through my ramblings.... And for having been there even while I stayed quiet. You are so appreciated.

kunzang said...

Tia...I am touched, thank you. Glad to see you back on deck, even though the boat's still rocking. I wish you safe passage

David said...

"clarity is welcome anytime now"

Praying for you to have that - and more!

SzélsőFa said...

a great post here, dear Tia.
I've been away for a while (at least from here), but for not any particular reason.

I will re-read the post soon again so as to understand it better.
I'm thinking of posting one of my fav small films into my site that rings very close to what you've said.
I'll let you know about it!