Wednesday, March 07, 2007

Time flies when you are having conversations with your inner critic....

I have wanted to blog sooner, but I just seem to go through these phases of nothing coming out. I've been feeling pretty depressed lately. That appears to be the theme as of late, and frankly, I am sick of being with it, breathing with it, experiencing it, feeling it, talking about it, moving with it, writing about it, or making art about it. Or, attempting to transform it when it clearly doesn't want to be transformed. So, even though I am sick of me experiencing this state, I am trying to have patience and compassion with it - and with myself. It is not easy. I'm over it. And yet it appears I am not.

The past two weeks our focus in the Art and Healing class has been our inner critic. We have gone from simply inviting him or her out to have a dialogue (the above image being that) to creating a piece that helps us transform this adversary into something we can honor (
which I will share with you once it is done). I have had some mixed feelings about this particular focus. On one hand I felt more than ready to tackle it as it seems it is a topic I know all too well. On the other hand, I felt instantly tired and had a "been there, done that" reaction. I know that comes from feeling scared. Scared that I can't transform it, that it will be just "more of the same", that what I will encounter is something so powerful I won't know how to handle it, that I'll never be rid of it's debilitating affects on my life... Honestly, I would rather dump the critic in a garbage can than honor it. And yet, when I pay attention (because I am really trying not to throw it in the garbage!) there seems to be a theme emerging. Of an internal fire that is being stifled. An energy so powerful it must be contained. Passions that must be stomped out. Anger that isn't allowed expression. Creativity that can't afford to see the light of day for fear of criticism. Surely it is not safe to let all of that loose.

So I have a vested interest in keeping the critic around. Who wants to deal with all of that anger, passion, creativity, and vibrant energy!? Isn't it much easier to.... um.... ignore it? Even if sitting on the lid makes me exhausted, cranky, apathetic and ....... depressed?
Hmmm.....

8 comments:

keda said...

you cannot be talking to me...?!

you know very well my feelings on "anger, passion, creativity, and vibrant energy!"

easier to sit on it? i think not young lady! (unless it's jiggling like a spin drier) ;) which it appears it is NOT.

it's just hard to know how to begin to unleash it i think. bit by bit babe. you'll get there. we all will. as long as we stay brave.
and it's a much happier place to be.. even if it is scary.
kisses and a arm to lean on whenever you like honey.

Pearl said...

I can see the conundrum.

Making the elephant in the room into Ganesha is a tricky sort of bargain to make with self. Would one be better off with an elephant in a grumpy stupor wrinkling the velour of the cushions, or risk it rampaging about tearing out critical columns?

Danielle said...

"Of an internal fire that is being stifled." Why is it being stifled? "An energy so powerful it must be contained." Why must you contain it? "Passions that must be stomped out." Why must they be stomped out? "Anger that isn't allowed expression." Why are you not permitted to express your anger? "Creativity that can't afford to see the light of day for fear of criticism." Why do you need approval? " Surely it is not safe to let all of that loose." Why?...Whose rules are you playing by? (this was meant with a kind heart) Why is it safer to keep the lid on? This is what I saw when I read the above passage in your blog....there is an internal fire within you, there is passion, there is anger, there is creativity...these are not bad things...even anger( I don't understand why everyone thinks anger is a bad thing...anger helps us process certain emotions that otherwise would stay hidden and eat us alive), when you look at it as part of a grieving process. You will let them out as you are able to greet each one.....be patient with yourself Tia...your 'inner most crtic' is not the enemy....only if you give it that persona....it can only debilitate your life for as long as you allow it...(believe me...I speak from experience...I allowed it to debilitate me for most of my adult life) if you are strong enough to sit on the lid...believe me....you are strong enough to let "it" out...there's an old expression that I like...'the devil we know is always better than the devil we don't know.' Bring it all out into the light of day...things always look scarier in the dark....but in your time....is there any particular reason why you are in such a rush? Do you feel like your life is on hold until you tackle this, what appears to you, an insurmountable obstacle? Alot has happened to you in a short period of time...be patient with yourself....and be kind....and be gentle...you are a remarkable human being.

SzélsőFa said...

what a great entry...
I think every now and then we all have to face the inner critic. The ultimate goal must be to make friends with it...
for the time being I second that you'll have to be patient and take it how it comes. Cause it's much easier to 'sit on the lid' and suppress the inner self, gathering crazy thoghts and finally, some nice mental disease, but if a task is to be done, than we only can postpone it...months, years or lives away...but it's just postponing, delay.
I say do not delay - but sometimes NOT delaying involves some waiting and patience!

bruce said...

The answers are coming...

Vickiev said...

hey! i just got your comment on my blog and I thought I could say the same thing to you - I'm so happy to see that you are back with us anyway. sounds like heavy times my dear. i'm a scaredy-cat myself - prefering medication over dealing with the causes, so good for you!

You are beautiful hon. cant wait to keep reading of your journey.

kunzang said...

Tia, I understand so well. I can't imagine sitting on the lid will work for long. It seems to me those things you list - anger, passion, creativity - are all just different expressions of the same vast energy potential. With which you yearn to dance. And if you dance, instead of anger there may be movement which allows the creative passion to bloom.
Anyhow, I surely don't have any answers. Ask Wilbert, I bet he does.

Stephen Newton said...

I recently watched a video that my oldest son, Sean, made while he was visiting his mother in Port Townsend, WA, where she lives in a communal co-op housing development. As part of their holiday celebration, they had a talent show in which everyone participated. There were great acts and brave acts, but whether they could sing or not, each person performed unselfconsciously. It was truly impressive to witness people who felt so at home with who they are. There were no apolgies, or emabarrasment, they jsut went for it.

Ain't that amazing. One little boy balanced a turkey feather on his nose while he sang a song. I'm in the process of editing it and will post it on my blog. It's quite awesome and endearing.