I know I have promised to tell you the story of how Bruce and I met, and with the house sale steadily moving on I have plenty to share regarding that whole process, but first I want to share with you the second part to an earlier post - transforming my Inner Critic. (Probably more so for my own benefit than anything else - posting my process here allows me to see yet new dimensions in it. So..... I am dragging you along. Sorry if it gets way too touchy-feely for your taste.)
I see the recurring theme and element of Fire in my pieces lately. I equate that to my life force. I finally feel it is now time for me to allow my fire to burn brightly, to illuminate myself and those around me with all of my being. To be fully in and of this world while also knowing I am just enjoying a temporary trip here. In the past I have allowed the Critic to try and stomp out the flames (she never did manage to do it) because to burn brightly was too scary. Who did I think I was anyhow?! Then, lately, I became lost in the "if it's all an illusion, what is the point anyway?" questioning - which, let's face it, was yet another way of being scared.
So my critic and my fears have been the co-creators of my experience for a long time, trying to convince me "it's just too scary" or "it's just no use". Which, interestingly enough, has only lead me to continuously question and push through those fears, whether by becoming a skydiver, moving abroad alone when I was 18, or, now, selling our home and not knowing what will come next. It is now my desire to move into the next phase of my life with less anxiety and less fear. Instead, I would like to walk in more faith, consciously creating my experiences, choosing things because I want them, not because they might suit the image I need for others to have of me. I'm not sure what all of that means or what it might look like. Or if I can actually live up to it. But I'd like to try, and I'd like to have fun while I am at it.
So anyhow... transforming the Critic in a visual form turns out to look like this:
I hadn't intended the painting below the fire to be a part of the piece but it seems to belong there. It is a mandala I painted nine months ago now.
Here is what came as I wrote:
"A fire that can no longer be contained or stomped out. Passions that must flow. Creativity bursting with energy. Fear that is transformed as the evidence grows more and more indisputable; I am worthy.
The holding onto an old story is getting old. No-one wants to hear it anymore, least of all me. It is no longer relevant. A new, transformed story emerges. Of a woman in love with herself. A woman capable of standing her own. A woman needing no excuses. A woman who is strong enough to disappoint or do the unpopular in order not to disappoint herself. A woman whose inner strength is ready to become visible to the world.
The fire burns away the unnecessary and unneeded. Selflessness and humility can only grow from the fertile soil prepared by shedding of that which no longer serves. The fire is bright. It attracts those wishing to dance around it. The warmth and protection it provides comforts those gathered around its glow. Wisdom and strength firmly rooted in the Earth. Swirling smoke reaching for the Sky, carrying each action and word forth - prayers reaching the Divine.
Burning. Burning. Burning. Fed by eternal forces, never ending.
'Yes', she answers, 'I will dance with you!'"