Nearing the two month mark... Feeling a little better in some ways, but unsure in others. I think I am mostly done with the intense episodes of emotional upheaval over being so far away from Bruce. But it doesn't feel good that I am getting used to being without him. I think I've just come to accept it, for now.
It is hard to separate this experience into what is natural grief over the loss of my life in Florida, what part is about me missing Bruce, and then, finally, what part is just simply me reacting to how NZ feels to me. Some times I am clearer about that than others.
We have discussed me returning home after my three-month visa requirement has been met if nothing has changed in regard to the house in FL. We would still have the option of returning here if in fact we can sell the house. We would now have more information on which to base the decision, and most importantly, we'd be together while we wait. And, perhaps I would gain new insight after experiencing FL again. I've met people who said they absolutely hated it here intially and decided to go home only to discover they no longer belonged there (wherever that may have been) - so they returned. It feels good to know I am not totally alone in my experience. Not that I would go as far as to say I "totally hate it" here. It has had its challenges. But I know that isn't about NZ - it's simply that I had expectations that haven't entirely been met. So I have to let go of why I thought we should come here, and perhaps something will begin to reveal itself.
I know it hasn't been in vain that I've made the journey here - I've learned a lot about myself. Maybe not totally new information, but certainly in a new light. But I do find it hard to let go of my expectations... So, surrendering to the experience and experiencing the feeligs while not becomig overcome by them has been one big lesson.
In the mean time I am making the best of my time here. I am enjoying meeting other immigrants, seeing the beautiful nature, and being outdoors. Oh, by the way, I LLLLOVED mountainbiking!!! I had SO much fun!