Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Questions. Decision. Options.

Nearing the two month mark... Feeling a little better in some ways, but unsure in others. I think I am mostly done with the intense episodes of emotional upheaval over being so far away from Bruce. But it doesn't feel good that I am getting used to being without him. I think I've just come to accept it, for now.

It is hard to separate this experience into what is natural grief over the loss of my life in Florida, what part is about me missing Bruce, and then, finally, what part is just simply me reacting to how NZ feels to me. Some times I am clearer about that than others.

We have discussed me returning home after my three-month visa requirement has been met if nothing has changed in regard to the house in FL. We would still have the option of returning here if in fact we can sell the house. We would now have more information on which to base the decision, and most importantly, we'd be together while we wait. And, perhaps I would gain new insight after experiencing FL again. I've met people who said they absolutely hated it here intially and decided to go home only to discover they no longer belonged there (wherever that may have been) - so they returned. It feels good to know I am not totally alone in my experience. Not that I would go as far as to say I "totally hate it" here. It has had its challenges. But I know that isn't about NZ - it's simply that I had expectations that haven't entirely been met. So I have to let go of why I thought we should come here, and perhaps something will begin to reveal itself.

I know it hasn't been in vain that I've made the journey here - I've learned a lot about myself. Maybe not totally new information, but certainly in a new light. But I do find it hard to let go of my expectations... So, surrendering to the experience and experiencing the feeligs while not becomig overcome by them has been one big lesson.

In the mean time I am making the best of my time here. I am enjoying meeting other immigrants, seeing the beautiful nature, and being outdoors. Oh, by the way, I LLLLOVED mountainbiking!!! I had SO much fun!

9 comments:

Catherine said...

Hi Tia, thanks for visiting my blog. If you think Christchurch might be an option, even if you go back to Florida till the house sells, it would be worth taking a look before you head back. E-mail me if you think you might come. I love Christchurch, but my reasons might not be the things you would look for. It is nearly all flat but there are hills nearby - I go walking in the hills nearly every day now and there are mountain bikers there too.
On the other hand all the negative things you identified like cold houses certainly apply here as much as anywhere! It can be cold in winter, but snows only once a year or so. It can be hot in summer when the north west wind blows. Houses are probably cheaper than in Wellington or Auckland but wages tend to be lower here too. And house prices have sky rocketed over the last couple of years (that applies pretty much everywhere in New Zealand).
It's bigger than Rotorua so there might be more work for Bruce. I imagine social workers can find jobs pretty well anywhere.

keda said...

good that you sound positive through all the questioning. well done on the mountainbiking!
and i love the quote below too. kisses babe.

butwearesmall said...

When I think back on my first year in England I was absolutely batty with confusion. I am in my third year here now and you know what? It's all just normal to me now. I do miss "home" of course, but this is my home now, or for now anyway. Anyway, I think you just have to keep doing things like mountain biking that make you happy as can be. I used to just walk around London to keep the perspective fresh and it really helped. I forget sometimes to stop and look around at the beauty around me.

Anyway it sounds like you are keeping grounded in all your confusion. Good on ya girl!

SzélsőFa said...

Two months...time does fly...

The saddest line in the entry was this:
****so far away from Bruce. But it doesn't feel good that I am getting used to being without him. I think I've just come to accept it****
It stopped my heart for a while...
I'm sending hugs to you - both.
And yes, you're right: do as much as you can while you're there. It was not vain - it probably never is, I wonder sometimes....

Sissy B. said...

Oh Tia...I wish I could say it would get better...but without your husband, i can hear an incredible sadness in you...so without him, I don't see it getting better. You are so brave and courageous...there is a reason why you are in this valley, stay strong and know that all things work for good...God will give you just enough light for the step you are on..try not to think too far ahead. Blessings!!!

Pearl said...

Live and learn and learn and did life mention learn? It will be a hard call to stay or go but whereever Bruce and you both are should be more sweet.

kenju said...

I hope you can work it out to be together soon, Tia, whether in FL or NZ.

bobealia said...

It sounds like you have options at least and its not like an all or nothing kind of situation. Goodluck with all your difficult decisions.

LindzyPinzy said...

I dont know your entire situation..So, your husband /partner(Bruce) is on his way to Nz very soon and then you will decide what to do? You ern for being back in Fl.

Hopefully when he arrives it will give you enough strength to stick it out there a little longer. I can tell you my story for insight..hope it helps a smidge bit...

When I went away I was not with any close friends or family..much the same as your situation..only I was backpacking. It was so hard for me and I wanted to come home and had much similar feelings as it sounds you do..

Anyway..other backpackers I talked to said to try stick it out cause people who have left, usually after a few days of catching up with friends and fam back home, they are wanting to go back.

Remember you are emotional so your thought processing goes wonky. I found that once I was away for 3, 4 months it got a little easier...and I had my moments and it was very topugh making myself stay for the 10 months but I did and Im am so glad. If you have the money to fly back and forth well hey.....I guess It doesnt matter as much as u could always go back to nz aagin..but just think this through real well...and I know its prob real tough but just try stick it out. Once you make some special connections with people that might help too.And also having Bruce there with you ..enjoy your time together in NZ.

Take care...and good luck with the decisions ahead of you.