Thursday, August 17, 2006

Illusion and Reality Dancing

Tia, suspended over Gulf of Mexico (photo by Bruce)


It is starting to sink in. My life, as I know it, is coming to an end. (Is there a kinder way to say it?) And I am slowly sinking down into the depths of my being where all of the unanswered questions, unacknowledged emotions and any last morsels of all of my unfinished business reside. If I allow myself to fully lean into that sensation of sinking, I surprise myself by finding that I can still breath through it. Perhaps with a bit more effort and with a distinct feeling of pressure in my chest, but I can still breathe. From moment to moment, the heaviness in my gut adjusts itself, as if some internal gauge was regulating my buoyancy in the ocean of my emotions. I am terrified. I am watching as the safety net of my life is being disconnected (was it ever really there?) in order to be boxed up and labeled for shipping. To be reconnected, much later, at a far off place that as of right now only exists for me on a map on our wall. It must actually exist. I have spoken to people who live there. But there is nothing within me that I can tap into for knowing it right now. And as the illusion of stability is being stripped away all around me, (most recently by two husky piano movers who came to take away our first-ever purchase together the day after we got married), I stand here naked and raw.

Aching.
Bleeding.

Begging(!) not to have to let go of another thing.

And more vulnerable than I have felt in far longer than I can recall. In my teary-eyed and shaking state, I am left to decipher if who I am is connected to a place, to the people I call my family, or the things that surround me - or none of the above. When I step forth into this mystery with none of those things with me - and even what I will have, will get sprayed down with a disinfectant once I get there - who will I be at that moment? Who am I with each breath I take? Am I leaving this reality to indulge in an illusion I have created in my head? Or am I waking up from a dream to be fully here - wherever that may be?

14 comments:

bobealia said...

How did I miss so much so quickly... Elvis... the Dali Lama... kitty vanity, and now this emotional post. Well, I'm caught up, but too sick to properly respond. I've been there, and I feel for you, and no one has any answers. Time will pass. You will move forward. That's all I know. Vulnerability is not a bad thing. My husband always reminds me of this. It is beautiful, he says, it takes a strong person to be vulnerable.
Kisses and Hugs.

Tia said...

Thank you Bo. I am crying - again. It's funny, in the middle of all this upheaval, you (and all of my blogger friends) will be the one constant - since you've always existed in cyberspace anyway! That's good to know.

Vickie said...

You know what I am learning hon? That with all my moving around and longing for a sense of place and home, I am still always me. I always think that people will know me as a totally different self, bc they won't know my history nor past, but while they do know parts of me that others don't, I still end up the same person. I still bump into tables, scrape my knees, forget to open the card before the present, I talk a bit too loud. I miss my family and my closest friends, but in the moments when someone laughs adoringly at me spilling my drink and messing up my outfit, I realize that it doesn't matter where I am in the world. I will always do the same stooopid stuff. And so home is here with me.

It's a scary move - no doubt. It sounds like you are saying the right goodbye's and searching for your sense of you in all of the shifting around.

Big hugs!

Jennie said...

Oh Tia, whether it's going off to college, getting married, having a baby, moving, we never really know what's on the other side and we always have to open to the chance that a part of our former life and who we thought we were will be whisked away...but usually it isn't. It's just transplanted anew! You have such a bouyant spirit, I have a feeling you'll find your treasure there and wherever you go!

Stephen Newton said...

Thank you for speaking so honestly and deeply, Tia. In more ways than you know, you've touched my heart as I search for the same answers. I am a basket case these days...what to do, what to do? At my age, I thought the rest of this journey would be smoother.

Vickie and Bo are right on as well. My WV is yeeqxagx, as in YeeqXagggggx! Here we go again. As long as we all have an Internet connection, we'll manage together.

Becky said...

I've moved a couple of times as an adult, most recently last November. Even though I really wanted to leave, I was still scared to death. What if I was making the wrong decision? What if I picked the wrong destination? In the end, I have no regrets and love where I am, even as stressful as it was to get here. I hope it works out for you, and you sell your house soon!

keda said...

ooh babycakes.. :( change is never easy, even when we desire it.
but what bo and vickie said is so true. and we are here. all of us moving and changing and leaving and arriving yet constant.
and as the wind keeps moving so do we all of us. bruce will be with you, as will the piano. and the air around you will be fresh.
keep flowing. and the amber light is always near :)

kristal said...

What a beautiful and moving post. I love the picture with it...

Change is always scary. This is my first visit, but you sound like a strong, thoughtful person. {{hugs}}

Michele sent me.

Last Girl On Earth said...

Tia, I don't know you, but yet through your writing, I certainly feel your pain. I've been there. Twice actually. You WILL survive. Just remember that change is GOOD. I hope you find some peace this weekend with all of your upheaval. Michele sent me.

keda said...

i posted the other main pet peeves btw :) or rather replied to your comment!

Ani Kunzang said...

Tia
I am not sure how I stumbled on your blog, but your post is exquisite.
I,too, have experienced your journey in many guises, and will continue to do so. The great step into the unknown, the raw taste of impermanence and letting go, the unravelling of self.
Perhaps the answer to your last two questions is actually, both or neither.
I leave you with a couple of lines from a prayer written by Chagdud Tulku
"May I clearly perceive all experiences to be as insubstantial as the dream-fabric of the night, and instantly awaken to perceive the pure display of the arising of every phenomenon."
I wish you all the best. The beginning and end, and the courage to journey, always lies within.
love, Ani Kunzang

mar said...

Hi, Michele sent me! whatever you are going through, think positive, it's all for the best. Really.

bobealia said...

Since there's a brand spanking new laptop in your life, I expected a new post... silly me. In NZ, you all should get wireless. If you buy the Apple Router, the little one, I forget the name (Airpost maybe??), you can listen to your music wirelessly too. I don't know how I lived before wireless.
I haven't told anyone in real life yet, but I have a new computer coming soon too. My mom pitched in and we bought me a new computer. She said she had research dollars to spend, and that she could not bear for me to be sans Photoshop since mine broke a few months ago.
I'm so sick that I'm not that excited, and I feel kind of spoiled too, since we are so poor right now, but once it's on my desk and looking at me, I'm sure I'll be smitten.
Enjoy your new toy, I mean tool.

bobealia said...

I meant Airport is the name...