Tia

Dreaming of Simplified Life

2011-09-03T14:18:00.000-07:00

My dream home

The past two years have been a process of clearing, letting go, clarifying, and growing into the spaces that were not as of yet occupied by my spirit. I'm still in it, but increasingly with some newly-found ability to breathe and trust more than other times in my life when this process has rolled around. It's been therapeutic and a little bit addicting to let go of material belongings - there is still much more to go in this department - as I continue to hear my spirit's calling toward a much simpler life.

I'm nowhere near ready or skilled enough to live off-the-grid and self-sustainably but it is a beautiful, inspiring vision to hold in my heart and mind - not so much alone as with a community of people also wanting to live in that manner. For now, I continue to have garage sale after garage sale to let go of the clutter that once filled the house. This house is my home and I love it but I also realize it is more than I need, and the memories in it still sting at times.

My horoscope for tomorrow asks what dinosaur I may be trying to keep alive when a new era is ready to come rolling in... So much of my life has already transformed it is hard to say for sure which "thing" is still of the old world, except perhaps the very dwelling in which I live.

I'm happy, hopeful, grateful and more peaceful for the first time in a very long time. Ready to dream of the next phase even as I realize more letting go is yet ahead.

Peace and Love, Tia

Back Online

2011-08-29T19:59:00.000-07:00

I've resisted writing a new entry because it's been such a long time now and it feels as though it is impossible to get back into the swing of things. Too many things have unfolded to even begin to attempt to update anyone on all of it. Feeling the need to reinvent, to start from scratch, to re-establish myself as the new me that has slowly but surely been dusting off the dirt that I've found myself choking on for the past two years.

Perhaps there is no need to rehash. Now is all that truly matters and the thoughts that come and go seem absolutely earth-shakingly powerful one moment and barely interesting the next.

Today birthed a few new thoughts that hadn't been in my consciousness quite in this way before. The first one was that I have tended to assume that I can provide healing for my clients just by holding a space for them, and that my mere presence and energy will help them shift. Suddenly, that thought reversed itself on me. What if my clients have been showing up all this time just so that I can shift while they hold that space for me. Briefly, I felt my brain go off-line, then I chuckled at the thought, and finally, I noted the truth of the statement. Yes, both and.

The second thought came as I asked myself what I was most afraid of. The answer was that I fear my life will be ordinary. That I won't have made an impact. That one is still unfolding for me.

I'll be back soon, just here to dip my toes back in the water...

My, How Time Flies!

2009-06-20T12:27:00.000-07:00

I often think about wanting to post an update and then life keeps happening! Well, here are a few things to catch you up to speed... I've posted a new series of Touch Drawings on my NowHereHealing blog. It is a series of Dancing Women I am pretty excited about! I will mount and frame them in the near future, but for now I posted them "raw". I'm also going to post an update on NewlyNomads after I get done here - so many things happening in Montana and in our lives....

For our ten year anniversary (how did THAT happen!!???) Bruce flew me to Florida to see my mom and best friend. It was a wonderful, although, a short visit. It was somewhat surreal being back in Florida. I missed it, felt it was still somewhat "home", and yet I also felt like a tourist and was happy to get back to MT. I suppose all of the above can be true all at once.

Tamara and one of her Expressive Arts Florida partners, Elizabeth. It was so cool to finally see their new studio space!

We spent some time playing with art supplies and Tamara showed me a process called "string drawing". Very Cool!!

Anyway... I think most of my other pictures and updates belong on the Newly Nomads site... See you there! :)

Motivation

2009-04-11T21:37:00.000-07:00

I know watching a TV show about someone else getting in shape won't actually get ME in shape but I have recently discovered the show "The Last 10 Pounds Boot camp" and find that it at least makes me question my own food choices and helps me motivate to work out. It is also a good reality check about what "keepin' on keepin' on" with my current diet and minimal exercise routine will get me vs. the results that I want. I sense some hard work and sacrifices ahead of me if I am serious about getting back in great shape.... We did decide to join the local gym (within walking distance) and we're both excited to be going again.

I did catch another cold that swept through at work (and Bruce caught it) but I at least kicked it in a matter of a few days and I don't have the residual cough that usually lingers for weeks on end.

And it is SPRING TIME and the weather is getting just beautiful!! All the more motivation to be outdoors and active.

Another Yummy One

2009-03-22T18:43:00.000-07:00

So Costco sells the Del Monte "Fruit Naturals" that are red grapefruit already peeled and in their own juice. I add one of those to my spinach, apple, water mix and..... mmmm...... It-makes-my-toes-curl heavenly goodness!

Sharing the Wealth (and Health)

2009-03-13T18:20:00.000-07:00

I just realized today that eight people have signed on to drink the green smoothies since I started - that's pretty exciting. And more people are getting curious. I truly try not to be annoying and talk about them all the time but people do end up asking me questions and I am happy to tell them (and even let you have a taste since I bring at least 32 oz. to work with me each day). It's awesome to hear other people talk about the health benefits they are feeling since having started on the green smoothies.

I am noticing more changes too. I become full way faster now. I haven't necessarily paid attention to that right away and have ended up over eating on a few occasions but my awareness around that is shifting, and that is good. Also, when I think about what makes me feel as if I over ate now as opposed to a few months ago, there is a huge difference. I simply don't need as much food. I do still enjoy the occasional sweets but I don't seem to rummage through the house in a desperate attempt to find chocolate anymore.

A New Yummy Discovery

2009-03-11T15:33:00.000-07:00

Today I made a smoothie using two celery stalks, one banana, about 1 1/2 cups of frozen mixed berries and two cups of water.... Mmmmm..... I know celery has wonderful cleansing (diuretic) qualities but I haven't always been crazy about munching on it without the help of some kind of dressing, so blending it in the smoothies allows me to have way more of its goodness without getting sick of the taste or adding unhealthy fats to go with it. Yay!

Maybe I've already mentioned one of the biggest side effect that I've noticed so far, and that is that I don't feel the need for coffee in the morning. I never really felt dependent on it, but it was clearly a huge part of my morning routine (sometimes to the tune of 3 cups in a row - for the love of it). Now, I can choose to not have it and it doesn't feel like I've started my day missing out on something. Now, when I get a great cup of "Mocha Mud" from a local espresso stand, maybe once a week, I actually pay attention to its taste and savor it!

I do notice a subtle shift in my energy as well. It's not a "wow, let me go run a marathon" kind of a shift, but I am definitely able to sustain focus and productivity throughout the day much better. I feel more motivated - less "weighed down". All of this has also inspired me to start practicing Qi Gong again. For a (long) while, I got very distracted and far away from practicing meditation, Tai Chi or anything else, and it finally feels as though I am ready to return to some good things that have been missing. I don't think that is necessarily thanks to the smoothies but there seems to be a shift overall toward wanting to take care of my body and spirit. Such a welcome shift!

Spreading the Word

2009-02-28T21:05:00.000-08:00

So far three families have caught on with the green smoothies since we started. That is exciting!!! My day feels weird without one now - in fact, I consume well over half a gallon a day.

Try one. Just be careful, they're kind of addicting!

Day Three - Favorite Smoothie So Far

2009-02-18T16:14:00.000-08:00

2 cups water
two bunches (handfuls) of spinach
1 apple
1 kiwi

YUM!

I went back to the doctor today and delivered a hug to Lawrence, the (smoothie king) nurse practitioner. (Don't worry, I'm not a freak - I actually had a physical scheduled and I had told my husband I was going to have to hug the guy after the gift he gave us...)

OH, and I had already lost weight! I don't crave junk or nearly as much coffee as usual, and I have energy!!!

"Green For Life" - Change is Coming

2009-02-17T06:52:00.000-08:00

Wow. So a few weeks ago I finally caved and went to the doctor because I had my third cold in three months. I am sick of being sick and know that something needs to change.

I've been eating a lousy diet (which is really a crime given that I know what proper nutrition does for us) and I haven't been able to sustain any kind of an exercise routine in a LOOOOONG time. This is the worst shape I've been in ever and rather than feeling 38 years old, I've been feeling more like 54. I am not horribly overweight. At 5'6" I am at 158 and for the most part carry the weight well. I hike. I ski. I bike. This is, though, the highest weight ever for me and I know if I don't change something it will only keep going up at the steady rate it's been climbing for the past, ugh, 10 years....

It's not like I'm having any major health crisis. Thankfully. I sleep well. Too well and for too long, I think. And I still frequently feel tired. While I am not sick, that I know of, I just feel un-well. And I'm tired of abusing my body. I want a different relationship with it than the one I've had for the past 38 years. I have pretty much ignored, tolerated, abused or taken it for granted for most of my life. Even when I was in great shape, my mentality was one of somehow "beating my body into being well". Sad. I loved being athletic but instead of appreciating my body for performing I expected it as a given and would give it little in return.

Even as I realized years ago that spirituality and mindfulness are a huge part of my life and something I must cultivate, somehow I managed to exclude my body out of that equation. It felt more like this body was an inconvenience or a road block and if only I could be enlightened I'd be OK. I thought (still do to some degree, because I haven't truly given them a chance) that Yoga and other body-centered practices were "nice" but I failed to know and feel the truth in them as the path to what I was trying to accomplish while cutting my body off.

Well, as I was sitting at the doctor's office the nurse practitioner who came in to take my blood pressure listened to me attentively while I described what was going on. Even though it's only been a few days, I think his next words to me changed something in my life, big time. He said; "You need green smoothies". Now, I have juice fasted before (again, another "white knuckle" attempt at being healthy on demand) and it's not that I didn't feel great - it's just that it felt like a huge punishment and I couldn't wait to break the fast so I could eat a burger! But, my ears perked up because I desperately want to believe that something can make this process of being healthy actually feel good also! Eating a healthy diet shouldn't have to feel like a punishment or permanent deprivation. I love my chocolate, pasta, red wine and Gouda way too much to give them up if I'm miserable in the process. So after he was done taking my vitals he quickly wrote the book title and the author's name on a paper towel and folded it saying "don't let the doctor see this, I don't think she too into this stuff..." I was ready to walk out that minute, knowing that seeing the doctor wasn't even relevant any more. (I did see her though, and she told me I should start taking aspirin daily due the history of strokes in my family... Thanks, but I don't think so.) I got what I came for and headed for Border's. They didn't have the book so I ordered it on line. It arrived a few days ago and I am just about done reading it. The information feels so intuitively correct that I keep having big "DUH!" moments throughout reading it! Why hasn't this dawned on me - or the rest of the world! - waaaaay sooner?!?! How is this information not plastered on every billboard and talked about on the news?!?! Why isn't Oprah talking about this!??!?! This is the answer to sustainability!!!! You can gather edible plants, for crying out loud. Our best nutrition is free and all around us, and we keep yanking it out of the ground, tossing it into garbage bags or spraying it with pesticides.

You MUST read this book. Well, of course you don't. But I REALLY want you to.

But more importantly, I want you to start drinking Green Smoothies!!! You will be AMAZED at their taste!

Bruce and I are on day three. My cold cleared. My bowel movements (sorry) are regular and truly "emptying". This morning, we were wide awake and ready to go at 3:30 AM. I know that sounds horrible (especially to someone like me who adores sleeping - I should have been a cat!), but we are full of energy and just didn't need to sleep more. Ann Wigmore (the wheat grass lady) slept 2 hours a night for most of her life after going green. Many people are saying they sleep WAY less since starting to drink the smoothies. And I LOVE the taste of these things!!

OK... anyway..... I know it's early, and I am kind of waiting for the shoe to drop and to get to the day when I can't drink another green blend - but until then - I'm going to keep on blending! I'll keep you posted!

Obama

2009-01-18T08:38:00.000-08:00

"What is required is a new declaration of independence, not just in our nation but in our own lives -- from ideology and small thinking, prejudice and bigotry -- an appeal not to our easy instincts but to our 'better angels' ."

There is some interesting and powerful numerology surrounding Obama... I had done his chart when the presidential campaigns were still going on because I was curious, but here is some adapted information from http://lightworkers.org/blog/53552/obamas-numerology that summarizes it well:

He is the 44th president (The balance between spirtual and physical, the reconfiguring of our evolutionary labyrinth. As Above, So Below. The creation of the foundation of our New Lives. Metamorphosis and continued change throughout all times...")

The number of newly seated congress: 111

(the two added together equals the master number 11)

The year he is becoming president is the master number 11

His birth number is the master number 11 (Jesus was an 11 as well)

His name is a 9 (a nine life revolves around giving and receiving love. That desire, however, includes the whole of humanity and a few races besides. Compassion, passion and forgiveness make up the 9's essence and they are very generous and impressionable.)

It seems he is poised to do this seemingly impossible job and is quite tuned into his own "better angels".

New Site!

2009-01-17T15:13:00.000-08:00

I have a new site for my Expressive Arts business that I intend to get off the ground in the near future. Much, if not all of my art process will move to that site so I'll need to figure out what tia will be about...

Anyhow... I invite you to visit www.nowherehealingexpressivearts.blogspot.com

Inner Portrait

2009-01-17T09:13:00.000-08:00

"Attiirajnat"

I am light
I am aware
I am connected
I am confident

I bring light
I bring awareness
I bring confidence
I bring grounding

I hold within me wisdom, truth, power
I am in touch with that part of me that is highest

I exist in prayer
I am everywhere and nowhere

I am light
I am illumination
I am that which connects all things
I am your truth

Watercolor and poetry from an expressive arts group process, 11/15/09

Touch Drawings

2008-12-25T15:13:00.000-08:00

A few Touch Drawings from a session a week or so ago. I was experimenting with using 8.5x11 sheets of tracing paper, instead the usual larger sheets of tissue.

An afternoon with Expressive Arts

2008-12-07T21:07:00.000-08:00

In search of inspiration, I was leafing through my current sketchbook and also happened on an older, larger watercolor pad I had stashed away some time ago . In doing so, I came upon these two pieces. In and of themselves I don't know them to be of any particular importance (or, I should say 'I don't yet know their importance'), but what IS intriquing to me is the similarities between the two. Both were products of "stream of consciousness" work - no conscious plan, design, or goal in mind - and I always find it interesting and significant when my unconscious wants to create the same form again and again. The similarities continue to come at me the more time I spend with the pieces.

The first piece (18X24), I painted more than a year ago and it was done in watercolor.

The second one (9X14), was done a few weeks ago and it is in color pencil.

Expressive Arts is about the process. The art that comes always comes as a message of healing, and it is intended for all of us. A significant pioneer in the field, Shawn McNiff, called analyzing, ownership or any type of attachment to our art once we had created it "image abuse". He says that what happens after we're done creating is purely secondary; the art IS the healing, without further need for interpretation or analysis. I find this to be true for myself. Often (in fact, 96% of the time) I have no idea what I am creating. But the process usually calms me down, makes me clearer, more full of contentment. It's as if I've spent an hour sitting on a pillow. Because I consider myself a somewhat "sloppy" practitioner and lacking in discipline, I find that the unncoscious rarely bridges the gap to the conscious world. It usually isn't until I spend time with my work, write about it, move with it, dialoque with it, or simply have it in my space that it tells me more. I know I am not "supposed to" want a deeper message, that it's about the process(!) but again, as with my meditation practice, it can be hard to not long for an end result instead of realizing that the act of painting (or sitting) IS the end result. So tricky! Often I am still too undisciplined, scared, distracted or doubful to fully pay attention. This is my practice lately. Not to dismiss the subtlest messages. To pay attention. To listen. To be present.

Quiet but not Still

2008-09-10T14:20:00.000-07:00

One of these days I promise to emerge from my silence...

Life has been full and wonderful. Most of our updates are happening on the Newlynomads site these days. My hope for this blog is that it will (soon) once again become the vehicle through which I share my own personal process, whether through art or writing... It seems everything in my life has been very outward focused, and the time feels right for a more inward journey again. Simply dedicating time to honoring that tends to be a challenge these days. Perhaps that is how the coming of fall, and soon thereafter winter, will help me refocus.

I look forward to that.

Ipu

2008-04-13T19:41:00.000-07:00

My "Ipu Nani"

If you have kept up with our newlynomads blog, you know that I recently attended a one-day workshop on Ipu making. Ipu is the Hawai'ian word for guord. Hollowed out guords are the traditional musical instrument used in Hula. My co-worker takes Hula classes and she invited me along for a day while they had a weekend-long Hula workshop. It was great fun, and nown I have one more addition to our family of drums and rattles.

If They Had to Beat the Pack, At Least They Took it All the Way!

2008-02-03T19:24:00.000-08:00

WooooHoooo!!! It was an AWESOME, nail biting game, and it was even MORE awesome to see the Patriots be handed their first, and most significant, loss of the season!!!

Too bad Belichick missed the end of the game. Nice.

I couldn't resist...

2008-01-27T15:45:00.000-08:00

An e-mail from a friend:

"This year, both Groundhog Day and the State of the Union address occur on the same day, creating an ironic juxtaposition of events: one involves a meaningless ritual in which we look to a creature of little intelligence for prognostication, while the other involves a groundhog."

nuf said...

Healing Intention

2008-01-19T18:49:00.000-08:00

Lately, it seems I have received frequent news about friends having health issues. It is hard to know what to do sometimes, other than hold these people in my thoughts, when I am so far away. During our Art and Healing class in Sarasota one of the sessions focused on creating an image with a Healing Intention for someone else. This seemed like the perfect way to "be" with my friends during this time, and it gave me a worthy focus with my work while practicing holding an intention for someone else. Below are the pieces that came out of my meditations.

For Victoria and George

For Lori

For my brother and dad - just because I felt like it, and I miss them.

She is Here

2008-01-13T20:02:00.002-08:00

Eagle Feather Woman

She's Dancing and Continuing to Come to Be

2008-01-13T15:39:00.001-08:00

I've been spending the last few evenings with her and I am very much enjoying our time together...

Eagle Feather Woman

2008-01-11T20:38:00.001-08:00

She was born 12/9/07 during a Touch Drawing session. She dances to the beat of the drum with rattles on her ankles and bells and feathers hanging off of her dress and hair. She is full of strength and spirit. She is here to put us all on notice to be fully who we are meant to be.

Now she has been mounted on canvas and is asking to be painted.

What I Intend for the New Year

2007-12-31T22:27:00.000-08:00

Balance, hopefulness, caring for myself and those around me.

Abundance, plentifulness.

Love, courage, strength of character, belief in myself and life.
Expansion of vision.
BeLife.
Hope, harnessing my energies for good of all.
Being. Clear.
Totally immersed in life. Belief in wisdom beyond my own.
Hugs.
Having. Giving. Being.

Happy New Year my dear friends and family. May it be all you intend for yourself.

I Know, I Know.....

2007-12-10T21:02:00.001-08:00

I haven't posted for a while..... It is hard to find the time between work, necessary chores, attempts at exercise (what is that!?), trying to find time to play with my art supplies, keeping in touch with family and friends, and spending time with my hubby. Something always ends up on the backburner.

I have started to do some stretching/yoga at home though. I didn't get all unrealistically upbeat and go get a gym membership or anything silly like that... (I know my work hours better than that by now!) I just figured that money would be better spent on a few DVDs that will keep me going at home. We'll see. I also did manage to do some more touch drawings this weekend. I don't have much to show for it yet, but I hope to post some new work soon.

But now it's time for bed.

Happy Birthday Tomi!

2007-12-02T21:59:00.000-08:00

Today is my brother's birthday. Well, was... seeing as it is almost 11 PM here and in Finland it is most definitely already tomorrow. But, I just wanted to say "Happy Birthday!", or more correctly, "Hyvää Syntymäpäivää!"

Love,
your little sister

Local Art

2007-12-01T11:17:00.001-08:00

A Cattle Marker Painting by Kelly Apgar

We went to the monthly Art Walk, or "Holiday Extravaganza" in Kalispell last night. Lots of people, lots of food and drinks, and great art studios and little boutiques that were open later than normal. It was a wonderful time!

Above is a piece by a local artist, Kelly Apgar , who incidentally lives in Somers also. (There's 550 people here, so we've got to be practically neighbors.) Her great-great-grandfather was Milo Apgar, who had his original homestead on Lake McDonald in what is now the Glacier National Park.

Anyway, her show "1 artist, 100 horses" was fabulous. We didn't buy one that was a part of that particular show (only due to $), but the piece above was at another gallery for a fraction of the cost so we snagged it up! Apparently it's one that got away from the herd.

Quick Check-In

2007-11-27T20:11:00.000-08:00

(Warning... Some whining is likely to ensue....)

I would love to say that things are calming down for me at work and that I am soon going to be around much more regularly, but I am afraid that would be a promise I don't know that I can keep. I am still continuously putting in 10 and 12 hour days, with no lunch or other breaks. (I told you I was going to whine.) It is a far worse schedule than I ever experienced while working in the public school system, which I thought was insane enough.

The work itself, hours notwithstanding, is fine. I do enjoy the clients. I just wish I had known I was expected to practically live with them.... Including working all Holidays (unless we reqest them off and use our vacation time to do so - one interview question omission I will never make again!). Watching other therapists who've been there a while I can't say with any great conviction that things will settle down once I learn the ropes a bit more. A few of the people don't seem to mind working 12-14 hours a day, and some take work home after the long hours. Today I learned that one of my co-workers, who has been there only 5 months (and who relocated for this job from the east coast), is giving her notice because she is tired of being owned by the place and because there seemed to be little response to her feedback regarding that. If this was our first attempt at relocation, I would be tempted to consider drawing similar boundaries while I am still within my 180-day probationary period, but I don't think at this point I have the luxury of another short-term stint on my resume.

I feel stuck and overwhelmed, concerned about the long-term viability of this, and confused about the general acceptance (so it seems) of the situation by the other therapists. And I don't think we seriously want to have to think about "options B or C" because of all the ramifications of what that would mean. Not after all that we've gone through in the last year and a half.

So, I will work on my ability to draw some boundaries. And for now I'll do my brief updates here as often as I have energy and time for. Sorry for the lack of any true content for now. And I promise to work on not whining.

I still have a quote by a fellow blogger, Pearl on my bathroom mirror: "I allow myself to be amused and realize I am in a state of choice." It seems I am still working on that one....

First Snow is Here

2007-11-19T18:38:00.000-08:00

Well, they said it might happen. Last night we got our first snow that wasn't just up in the mountains where we can see it but don't feel it. It snowed even by our house, which is right on the Flathead Lake and where temperatures are generally milder than elsewhere in the valley. There wasn't much of it, mind you. Maybe an eighth of an inch. Parts of Montana apparently got dumped on. Not us. Not yet, anyhow.

It made our yard and my commute pretty this morning. And it also means that we are that much closer to Big Mountain being open for business. Which, in turn, means that we get to strap on skis soon!!! Thankfully we finally have health insurance again! :)

Good Things

2007-11-18T19:30:00.000-08:00

Things that made my weekend:

I got to talk to my brother for quite a while yesterday. And my dad, for a little bit.
A new little kitty - another calico - has found our house and is considering staying around as long as the food lasts. (She's actually been around for a week or so... and of course she is adorable.)
I got to spend time with my hubby watching the Packer game - at least we could have some fun even though he is sick right now.
We got the winter tires on before the roads got icy.
I got to spend some time in my studio. I wasn't making art, but still. It's been a while.
I slept extra long on Saturday - and then took a nap later on.
I almost didn't think about work all weekend.
We had some snow falling today... none made it on the ground though. They are promising some more will fall tonight. We'll see.
I keep making some progress reading "Dark Ages America" - I can't wait to stop feeling upset.
I only have to work two and a half days and then I get to have five and a half days off. After all the loooooooong days, it couldn't come at a better time.

A Nation in Trouble?

2007-11-11T17:11:00.001-08:00

In the arena of politics, I grow a bit more cynical each day. I know we decided to stay in this country for now so I should probably just shut up, but this administration and presidency with its unending arrogance and irresposibility is really getting to me. I am sick of reading all the spin on the economy and how great everything is when evidence to the contrary is mounting everywhere around us.

It might be a sign of not having fully accepted that I don't live in Florida anymore when I go and read the Sarasota newspaper online pretty much daily. That being a post for another time, this is what I found there today: Are We in a Recession? If you go into the Forums within that article, you will find this YouTube clip; Maxed Out.

I'm also still trying to finish reading this book; Dark Ages America. Trying, not because it is a bad book (and I generally devour books in a few days), but because it makes me too angry to read it. I have been giving this book a good college try ever since I bought it while we visited on Cortes Island in B.C. this summer, and ever since then I have been tempted to stop reading it. I hate to get myself in a bad mood, but then I pick it up again and again because I feel like a cop-out for not reading it just because I am uncomfortable with it.

I get the distinct feeling the emperor is not wearing any clothes.

My Commute

2007-11-02T22:05:00.000-07:00

I just had to stop and take some pictures of my commute to work today. I have a 35 minute drive through some beautiful back roads that meander along the mountain side and pass by one of my favorite lakes. On any given morning, there is hardly any traffic. Aside from watching out for deer, the drive allows me to have some peace and calm both before and after work. (And that is definitely needed right now!) Enjoy my commute with me!

Holy Cow! Coming Up for Air....................

2007-10-29T18:39:00.000-07:00

I know I haven't been around much. Sorry. The days at work tend to stretch to 10-12 hours on a daily basis. It has been a hugely challenging start - but mainly because of very specific circumstances that had been created by the person whom I replaced. It is situational and it will pass - but for now it is making my work life a bit of a grueling experience. The good thing is that it has forced me to learn - VERY QUICKLY - how to set very firm boundaries and how to be direct with people, regardless of their position. Those are both skills that I have desperately needed to learn so I can see why I was summoned to Montana and to this job. I never would have dreamt of interacting with my superiors the way I have had to, nor would I have ever normally approached my therapeutic work with clients in quite this way. I'm learning a lot. I wish I wasn't learning quite so much. *sigh*

Anyway.... This weekend we managed to get away for a bit and enjoy the magnificent outdoors on our mountainbikes before it gets WAAAYY too cold to ride! A co-worker of mine and her boyfriend took us out on a nine mile run in the mountains that, frankly, kicked my Florida-butt. Big time.

I am not exaggerating when I say I tasted blood.

The Glacier snowcapped mountain range far in the distance as we biked at an altitude of 6000 ft

It was gorgeous! We hadn't had that much fun since we got to Montana! It was fast, hard and technical! I fell off twice and ran straight off the mountain edge once. Oh, and we ran into a hunter who had his gun pointed at us before he realized we weren't deer. (Not that I was in danger of being shot.... I was so far behind the others that by the time I ran into the guy he was onto bigger and better things....) But I did run into the angry woman hunter who wouldn't move off the trail because apparently she thinks that during hunting season the forests belong to only hunters. I hate to disagree with someone who is holding a gun. But anyway....

The fearless Floridians braving the cold and the altitude. And my coworker who shall remain anonymous.

I am trying to figure out how to fit in more fitness time. I *have to* get in shape!!! My coworkers put me to shame. It is actually quite intimidating. Some of my coworkers ride their bikes to work all winter long. Another one runs to work. All 8 miles. Another one recently went backpacking while she was 8 1/2 months pregnant. I have no excuses...

Starting Our Lives in Montana

2007-10-04T10:53:00.001-07:00

Although my official first day won't be until Monday, I had my first brief visit to the new job yesterday. It was nice to actually put on some professional clothes and a little make-up again - although also a little strange at the same time. I kept repeating to myself in the car that "I am a competent therapist" just so I could remember what it is that I used to do! (I threw in 'competent' just for extra punch!) It feels like I haven't worked in a couple of years! It only took me a few minutes of sitting in the conference room in a meeting until I felt pretty much at home again. I look forward to starting the job and the new opportunities that will come with it. I won't go into much more detail here for the sake of keeping some 'cyber distance' to my work - but I am excited about the opportunity!

We're adjusting to life in MT and will keep the Newlynomads blog around for occasional updates on our lives here. For now, one of our biggest issues revolves around adjusting to the local traffic jams.... They can be a real bear! (Oh wait, no, I meant a "real cow!"...)

Rush hour traffic at its worst...

This is not just a dirt road occurrence either... and they always have right-of-way. Frankly, I am not sure what the fences are used for...

This one is in honor of our friend Bo - it is a Cow's Me'ass!!! Ha Ha!!!

A little MT humor...

Internet arrives on Tuesday so life will return to (semi) normal then... Ciao!

Sad News...

2007-09-13T15:58:00.001-07:00

Pookie.... blissfully asleep at home in FL - she was the most serious nap-taker I have ever known...

We are in Florida, to pack up the moving truck and to say bye to our dear friends and family. Sadly, once we had landed in Tampa early yesterday evening, we got the unimaginable news from Wisconsin that one of our own furry family members has permanently left us, without us being able to say goodbye to her... With only a week left until we were going to get them all.

Apparently our youngest (and our bravest adventurer), Pookie, had gotten sick and received the very unforgiving and unmerciful diagnosis of liver cancer. Of all things, after as many vet visits as we've made recently due to a potential pending international move, it is hard to comprehend how such a thing could have gone unnoticed.... She showed no symptoms when we left her in the care of family in July, and what little she showed in the last few months was mistaken for a case of missing us until it was too late.

I feel devastated. I feel guilty. I imagine that she must have felt abandoned by us. I am beside myself for not being there to comfort her and to be there in her final moments. I try not to listen to the voice that keeps telling me what a selfish and irresponsible parent I am (it isn't working). I feel panicked about the state of our other two cats who had to share Pookie's pain in silence. My heart aches for this little creature that, I am sure, suffered greatly. And I feel horrible about putting Bruce's family through having to make the terrible decision of putting her to sleep without being able to consult with us, as we were unreachable. The doctor had said she wouldn't make it through the night, so I understand that it had to happen. I just can't believe she is gone. And I can't stop crying.

I will miss her.... what more can I say... My heart is broken.

The Road Trip Ends, But Another Journey begins....

2007-09-10T15:22:00.000-07:00

"Genesis" by Tia, 09.2007

We have finally concluded our trip. Almost anyhow. What remains are just the final details of moving our lives from Florida to Montana. Who knew. When we boxed and labeled everything back in June we were pretty certain it was all going to get shipped to Finland. Acknowledging that it is not is still giving me a not-so-slight pinch of sadness in my heart. I miss Finland. I miss my dad. I miss my brother. I miss our god-daughter. I miss the food. I miss summers in Turku. I miss the social awareness and political climate. The health care. The chocolate, The Christmas Traditions... the list goes on and on...

So why did we end up in Montana? I do ask myself that even as we finalize the move. It is a gorgeous place. We made some great new friends. The nature is unlike anything I've experienced elsewhere in this country. (And remarkably it reminds me of Finland, a lot.) A few years of my salary combined with the cost of living here will enable us to get (hopefully) nicely set up for an international move that won't, most likely, be financed by an employer. I try to go through the list of reasons in my head. But, after all the logic and reasoning, I realize that ultimately I DO want to be in Finland, more than anything. And fortunately I have a husband who also wants to go with me! So... while I am excited to set up our lives here at latitude 48.2N and longitude -114.31W, I also recognize that I am prone to finish that statement with a "for now" at the end of it. And I can live with that. As long as I also remember to still stay in the Now. And after all, that shouldn't be too hard as I gaze across the valley from our living room in Lost Prairie.

Our rental house in Lost Prairie

The Lost Prairie Valley

The Journey Begins

2007-07-01T20:06:00.000-07:00

In case you are wondering why I haven't been around lately, you will find the answer on Newly Nomads. I do intend to post some personal blogs along the way (like when I finally get my art supplies out), but for now we seem to be more focused on giving an update on where we are on the road. Please say a little blessing for our kitties we left behind today in Wisconsin while we take on the open road. I miss them, and I hope that being left behind isn't too dramatic of an experience for them.... I wish they could be with us for the duration but I don't think they'd enjoy it much. Thanks for checking in.

A Tender Boy Moment

2007-06-18T14:31:00.000-07:00

In the midst of all the chaos, there is time for bonding and reassurance that all is OK....

Our "boy boy", the one who used to abhor affection, has taken to being quite content sitting this way for long periods of time.

Touch Drawings

2007-06-13T09:24:00.000-07:00

Here are some of my Touch Drawings from the conference. I haven't done anything with them yet but there are several I hope to mount and probably work further at some point in the future. Maybe when we'll have an art studio again?

I'm especially drawn to the last one. She looks like a wild medicine woman to me... I hope I get to meet her on our road trip!

Sitting in the French Broad

2007-06-07T15:00:00.000-07:00

I'm hungover. From my conference, our North Carolina trip, and our decision to become nomads for a few months (Bruce shares more details on this on his blog). The last few weeks have been an amazingly beautiful, rich and transformational time. First I got to immerse myself for five spectacular days in an international expressive arts conference where I could attend workshops lead by the international who's who list of the field. The days were filled with experiences that moved my body, mind and soul. From gentle early morning Qi Gong practice out on the hillside where the morning dew kissed my toes ever so softly to sessions where our bodies trembled and filled with joy and gratitude from vibrational sound therapy or danced and chanted to the haunting beat of a djembe drum the days seemed more like weeks. It was a diving in, head first, to parts of myself that had been sitting and patiently waiting for my attention. I don't have much visual art to show for the days or the process because I was most drawn to attend all the movement and sound/toning workshops I could find. I did do a Touch Drawing workshop with Deborah Koffman Chapin, the creator of Touch Drawing, and I might post some of those later. For now, I'll share with you a brief bit of writing I did while sitting in the French Broad river in North Carolina.

"The river flows through me, over me, past me, under me.
I flow with it to far off places.
Sun on my face I dream of being nowhere but here.
The stream caresses my soul and the bottoms of my feet. The breeze and the current equally strong, kissing my body, tickling my whiskers.
I melt into the rock, the water my bloodstream.
Its constant whispers quiet my chatter, take me from a place within to the place where I end and the river begins. Warm. Soft. So quiet I can't hear a thing."

I think I want to stay in that place for a while and have my whiskers tickled by far off breezes. It became clear to me on this trip that I really don't want to settle down anwhere just now. Of course, eventually we will - maybe even sooner than I think. But for right now, we seem to be pulled by the nomad spirit in us. And I couldn't be more excited.

Eight Years And Counting

2007-05-14T11:49:00.000-07:00

This Friday, May 18th, marks our eight-year anniversary so it seems the perfect time to share with you the story which we've ended up telling countless times to countless people since. I love the story. Probably because I am the lucky person that landed one of the two leading roles (and, frankly, I hadn't done so great in auditions for this role before) - but also because each time I get to tell the story, I get to re-experience the magical energy of those fourteen days between our first date and our wedding day. It is an energy that I am aware (although I'm not always conscious of it) is always very much a part of our daily lives. I know that same guidance that lead us through those days and to each other to operate in my life daily, quietly and unassumingly, without fanfare or fireworks. But those few days with the fireworks and fanfare (and carillon bells!) were just curl-your-toes special!!

Those two weeks are the clearest, most direct, profound, and beautiful example I've personally had of living out of a place of clarity. (Not that I didn't freak out a few times along the way.) Looking back at it now, the whole thing still astounds me. It all could have just as easily turned out to be an embarrassing mistake, or worse, the beginning of years of misery. But that is not how this story turned out.

[Warning: anyone currently experiencing a personal "love-and-romance-and-men(or women)-suck!" period, should probably move onto the next blog now.]

[Alright, fine. Don't tell me I didn't warn you.]

First, if I may, some background information. My prior serious relationship had lasted two and a half years and which, it seemed at the time, had been two years, five months and two weeks too long. In retrospect (that stupid hindsight we pray for *before* the events unfold!) I know this person was the perfect teacher for me at the time, and I am thankful (ugh...) for the part he played. I am even more thankful that we parted ways when we did, for we were only meant to stay together long enough to learn a few things from each other. I came terribly close, though, to allowing the fear of admitting I've made a mistake to bully me into staying for good. So close that I accepted an engagement ring and moved in with him only to return the ring and move out all within an eight weeks time. Never mind that after the first two weeks of the relationship my then brand new therapist had made the comment; "This sounds like an awful lot of work for such a new relationship...?" Naturally, I did the logical thing and got royally pissed off at her. (But, to my credit, I did not stop seeing her.)

So anyway. I was freshly done with that mess. Only to follow it up with some even more brilliant ideas in the few months to come. So, as usual, I was in my therapist's office. (I feel so sad now about how confusing and painful and awful that time was... I almost want to apologize to myself for putting myself through all that...) So, during another session of lamenting about not having the "right man" in my life, my therapist (bless her heart for all those hours of listening and not smacking me!) takes a piece of paper and a pen and tells me to begin listing all the qualities of this "right man". And I do. I take every last man in my life I like, admire, am attracted to, wish I could have, secretly lust for, have openly chased, and I put all their best qualities down on that paper. Then I add a few extra things that I never used to be so particular about. I got down to age, eye color, hair color, height, and body build. I meant BUSINESS.

You guessed it. He shows up. (And it just so happens he had also written his own list. We still have both of them.)

As it turns out, he's been there all along. But here I have to back track - about three years. Yes... if you do the math you can now understand why I was supposed to be in that other relationship for two and a half years learning the lessons I needed to learn. So anyway, when I first heard of him I took mental note of him. Everyone seemed to be talking about this guy. "Have you heard his music? No?! Oh, he is fabulous!". "Oh yes, we had him design that logo for us." And when I saw him (I didn't "meet" him for some time to come)... well, let's just say I didn't exactly forget him right away. But, all the cute petite blonds at the college had also noticed him. And, even worse, I was staff. Oh, and I was in a relationship. So, I went about my daily life for the next three years. He proceeded to date a few of the cute, petite blonds. He performed at a Coffee House I was in charge of planning. I asked him to perform at an Awareness Event I headed up. He came to talk to me about funding for a student organization. He started dating my good friend and a colleague whose office was next door to mine. I ended up lending her an ear while they were dating and struggling. He was on a committee with me as a student representative. And all along I was on my way to becoming engaged to a man I would not end up marrying.

But then, three years later, I was single. And, so it appeared, was he. I was planning the Graduate Dinner for his graduating class, and I had this idea for the center pieces. Only, I had no idea how to produce it and I had no time to mess around. So I needed a graphic design student to help me. Hmmmmmm.......

I ended up asking my student assistant, a lovely girl from Bolivia, to help me. Only after she came to me with the long and sad story of how much work she had and how she had no time did it come to me. DUH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

He was gracious enough to say yes. Even though he had only a few weeks to graduation, was under severe sleep deprivation, and had many more hours worth of senior projects due before the time was up. He suggested I come over in the evening and we get this thing done over dinner. Not only did we get the center piece design down, but we had some dinner and wine (and he just "happened" to be playing an album by Sting I'd never heard before) and the most wonderful conversation about everything in the Universe. While I was there I realized that the place I briefly fled to from my ex-fiance's house shared the backyard fence with his house. We had been sleeping practically headboard to headboard for a time. As we got deeper into the conversation and realized there was something here, we talked about dating. I told him I don't date students. I don't care if this is college and we're the same age. It's not right. Besides, he is getting ready to graduate and take off and I am in the middle of attending part-time graduate school.

The next day this gorgeous creature appears at my office, hands me a gift, and walks off. It's a bottle opener and a note that tells me to meet him an hour after the graduate dinner at the beach. The last day of class. After he is beyond any reach of my (supposed) control over him as a student. The note is so clear and demanding in its brevity I am about to have an orgasm on the spot.

To this day I don' t know why I thought it appropriate, but I framed a copy of the Invitation for him as an early graduation present. It had deeply touched me when I first read it, and it seemed to contain the most urgent, the most pertinent, and the most precious questions we can ask and answer ourselves or each other. Thinking back on it now, I should not have been surprised had I next seen him him bolting down the steps of that lifeguard tower and running off into the night........ but he sat still - and he read, very slowly and very deliberately. We stayed on that beach for hours.

I WAS FALLING FAST AND HARD.

But we decided to take it slowly. Which is why we didn't end up sleeping together until our second date - the next day. (I TOLD you it could have just as well ended up being a disaster!!! Incidentally, that is another reason we're not going to have children. We can't imagine trying to tell them to be responsible and take their time and not rush into things... I could just see THAT being thrown back at us during some argument when they're thirteen years old!) To be honest, many of the details of those initial three days escape me now, but I do remember us laying in bed in my apartment, our third date, discussing our futures. We were trying to figure out how we could make this work. And, for whatever reason (please don't ask me why!) I thought it was a perfectly reasonable thing to say; "We could always get married and continue dating afterward...?" By now I really should have expected to see the bottoms of his sneakers as he ran away, but for whatever blessed reason he said; "OK..." Maybe it was because he was in shock, naked, and my vicious alpha male cat was standing guard at the bedroom door?

The next day I called my family in Finland, and when I got on the phone with my mom and told her I had something to tell her she said "You're getting married aren't you?!" Neither of our families had much time to adjust to the thought, and it was probably best that way. If anyone thought we were crazy, no-one uttered a word. In fact, they get an A+ for doing so well receiving this bit of news I can imagine every parent fears. Maybe it had to do with the fact that we were both 28 years old and they just figured we must know what we're doing. Or maybe our rock-solid knowing about the fact that this was what we were going to do simply came through in our words. Either way, we seemed to have their blessing. We both agreed we didn't want a wedding. That would have meant endless planning, coordinating families from two continents, headaches about matching napkin colors to bridesmaid dresses to flowers, and spending more money than either of us had or had the inclination of spending.

I asked for the day off from work without explaining why. The only person we told was a co-worker of mine and an admirer of Bruce's who was only too happy to join in the secret plot. She gave us "something borrowed" and "something old", a bible from 1824, for the ceremony. Bruce ordered my wedding bouquet and called around for someone to marry us. We tried to decide between a sea captain and a minister. We bought our rings and my dress for $180 total. For a location, we ended up deciding on Bok Tower Gardens in Lake Wales, Florida. Neither of us had been there and we thought it would be the perfect reason to finally go.

Eleven days later we were married at Bok Tower Gardens. Parts of the Invitation made up our vows. The lovely Bolivian girl had come and spent the wedding day eve with me helping me with shopping for a wedding gift, drew me a relaxing bubble bath, helped me with a manicure, and the rest. The next morning my soon-to-be husband picked me up so we could go off and get married.

I was so insanely happy I could hardly contain it. The carillon bells would chime at the most ridiculously romantic times during our ceremony and our brunch, which he had prepared from scratch. On the menu was straight-out-of-the-oven apple bread, a fruit salad, and mimosas. We walked around bare-footed and watched the squirrels. One moment we would talk about how rain is good luck on your wedding day and the next moment a huge thunderstorm would roll through the park. We ran under a gazebo to seek shelter from the rain, and as it happened only couples were under it. Someone asked us about a wedding party in the park. We told them we were the party. They all began telling us their stories. One couple had been married for 55 years. Another couple celebrated their second year anniversary that day. One husband began to sing to his wife while the bell tower chimed. We all sat and waited for the downpour to end. Someone asked if anyone had kissed the bride yet. When I said no, every man in that gazebo proceeded to line up to kiss me.

It was a perfect day.

And we've lived happily ever after.

Ummmmmm....... well, just about. The early months weren't without their challenges, but when I think about all the things, big and small, that could have been total disasters for either of us, I am deeply grateful for and humbled by the grace that befell us. The only thing I could think of to complain about was that he was such a neat freak! Yes, I know... woe is me.... I landed a husband who cleans, does the laundry and fixes everything that breaks at his earliest convenience!! You can't imagine the hell!

I know I have gone on and on by now, but I just have to share this one last story. Soon after we were married we went to empty out his storage unit and discovered a catalogue and a brochure from the art college we had both attended (I was hired there upon my graduation, which is when he began attending there). I pointed out to him a couple of pictures of me in the promotional materials and suddenly his face turned as white as a ghost.

"That was YOU???!!??!!", he asked.

"Yeah.", I replied.

"She is a part of the reason I wanted to come to this school!!!... I saw her and I thought she looked like someone I wanted to meet! That was YOU?!?!"

"Yeah. That's me."

"HOLY SHIT!!!"

Yeah. Holy Shit. I guess I really sent for him even way before I realized it. I've never made a clearer order before or since. It takes me longer than that to make an order for fast food.

I wish I could convey in words to you just how special I think this man is. But, I truly consider him a gift straight from God and to try to speak of such a gift with mere words seems, well, just silly. (And yes, I know we are each such a gift to each other in this world. But I really, REALLY like this one!)

Eat, Pray, Love

2007-05-11T12:00:00.000-07:00

This is the title of the most magnificent book by Elizabeth Gilbert.

It is a story of her journey, her search for balance, happiness, pleasure and devotion. It is - I repeat - magnificent. The book has us following her on a year and a half long journey through Italy, India, and Indonesia. She sets on this journey in her early thirties after a nasty divorce, and she kindly takes us along for the ride. In fact, she courageously takes us along even before the traveling bit begins, through the dismal landscape of her darkest moments and deepest depression as she struggles to leave behind a life that by any outsiders' standards might look beyond perfect. But the book is far from a downer. It is uplifting, pee-your-pants FUNNY, endearing, tender, difficult, brave, honest and deeply spiritual.

I suppose it is no surprise Elizabeth's story has touched me so deeply, especially at this time that we are getting ready to embark on a journey of our own. The book just happened to find me when I was browsing at Barnes&Noble looking for something else entirely. I had never heard of her or the book before, but it was clear I was to read This Book, at This Time. I couldn't put it down. I identified with so much in it that sometimes I had to remind myself I wasn't reading about myself. Many of the details of my life are, of course, totally different from hers, but so much is also the same. (Right down to her "digestive emergencies" that had me laughing in tears... I was reading this on a TRIP, in the midst of one of my own "emergencies"! It wasn't pretty, but at least I know I am not alone!!)

More importantly though(!), through her book, I heard someone else asking the same questions, voicing the same longing, doing the same searching I find myself doing. In this book, I heard the voices of so many of my favorite teachers; Shunryi Suzuki, Charlotte Beck, Pema Chödron, Neal Donald Walsch... but spoken by someone who also struggles, questions, fails (as if we really can fail), is taunted by her own mind (oh, how I can relate here!), and who finally comes to a place of supreme calm within herself. (Now, this, I don't relate with so much - yet...) In my own (sporadic and undisciplined) practice, I haven't quite gotten past that point yet where my mind settles down. So many times I have wished I could just somehow hack my head off and be left only with my heart and my body on the meditation pillow - to STOP the incessant chatter within! What can I say...... I have a ways to go. But, as she puts it, "that's why it's called meditation PRACTICE".

Her honest and sometimes agonizing but always beautiful account of those magical months of searching and finding has deeply touched me. It made me laugh and cry, and it inspired me at a pivotal point in my life. It has helped me remember to seek with courage. And to keep sitting on the pillow. Because I, also, am a "big fan of [God's] work" - and the peace I am searching for can only be found within.

(Did I mention the book was magnificent?)

Honesty is over-rated - and over-charged... er.... or was that under-charged?.......

2007-04-25T17:03:00.000-07:00

I realize that after not having blogged for a bit, beer is probably not the topic that should first be on my mind to share with you. (Then again, why the heck not!?!) But I can't help it. This has to be shared.

On my way from walking the beach I stopped to buy my sweet man some beer. I thought the bill was awfully low considering what I bought. One small bottle of apple juice, one large bottle of white wine, and a 12-pack of Fosters. The total came to $13.14. Sweet! Once I looked at the receipt more closely (on our drive way, all of two blocks from the liquor store), I realized he had only charged me for a single bottle of Fosters. Damn! I knew I should go back. Then I thought,
"Oh well, too bad. Their mistake! Yay for us."

But then the other voice always has to keep on, not letting me off the hook so easily,
"You know it's stealing, right?..."

"Fine...Right. I know. Alright, fine! I'll go back. But is it actually stealing if THEY make a mistake? I didn't deliberately TRY to take it without paying for it."

"C'mon now. Be a grownup. You know better."

On top of this my husband helpfully chimes in, "It's your Karma." I point out to him HE is the one DRINKING the Karma.

"Oh, alright! I'm going already."

What follows was just too funny to keep to myself.

I go in and explain to the elderly sales clerk what he had done. He looks at me in disbelief and says, not relieved, "Ooooh noooo.... Oooooh..... What an honest lady..." I make a face that says "I know. I just wanted to keep the twelve pack for $1.59 and I think you should let me." He doesn't. He proceeds to get a second 12-pack to ring it up. After ringing up that but deducting what I had already paid him for the one beer he tells me I now owe him $18.45. I regret having come back more and more. Morals. Bttthhhhh! I point out that the 12-pack was on sale for $9.99. He assures me it is not. It is.

"Why, I'll be darned."

He punches the cash register keys long enough to write a short story, turns the little key, punches some more and then tells me he owes me $9.31. He actually takes money out of the register to start counting it. At this point I am SOOOO tempted to get another $9.31 off of them and RUN! But I don't. I must be stooopid!

I tell him, "No. I owe YOU $9.10." (What is WROOOONG with me?!? I could have paid $3.84 for all of this if I kept my mouth shut!)

"Ooooooh, well, hmmmm........... Oooooooooooh, let me see now..... what on earth...?..... I'm not sure.......... Oh for goodness sake...." He ponders some more.

Then he starts punching again. Heere we go.

"So do you by chance have the apple juice with you?"

"No. I went home and came back."

"Ooooooooooooh... Well, I do appreciate that.... I do. It's just that it would have been easier for me to do this if you had the juice with you."

Why didn't I just stay home and start drinking the damn beer!!??

After a few more moments (and another short story later), he told me I owed him $2.45.

I assure him I owe him $9.10. The difference between $10.69 and $1.59. I wanted to rip the cash out of the drawer and bolt.

He has receipts and voided receipts flying about wildly and he has clearly lost it. I think I see his hands shaking and sweat beads forming. He rips out a piece of paper off the receipt roll and exclaims, "It's time for long-hand!" After a time he decides I owe him $9.10.

I tell him I will have to use my debit card. His eyes begin to roll back and he cries out, "I'm waaay beyond that by now!.... How much cash do you have?!"

"I only have $7 dollars."

He reaches into his pocket, pulls out his wallet, puts two dollars down on the counter and says, "Why don't we call it even?" I think he wanted to add "Please?" to that. I'm just happy to get out of there before I lose my desire to drink.

So much for being honest. Next time I'm staying home and drinking the damn beer! And I'll try not to feel guilty about it.

Happy Birthday Love!

2007-04-18T06:08:00.000-07:00

It's an older photo, from about seven years ago, but it is one of my all-time favorites... Captured on an early Sunday morning, as we awoke to a new day at our drop zone (or should I say "our church"? It's been too long since we're been in attendance!) The day still young enough that no-one else had bothered to get up, a slight smell of airplane fuel and the morning dew in the air - and my husband, anticipating the day's adventures...

I live for these kinds of moments with him. Whether we're on a river in kayaks, on the motorcycles somewhere on the open road, in a tent at a drop zone, or in our studio making art.... I am high from the adventure and the exploration with my best friend. I hope there is a whole lot more of that ahead of us!

A Good Cause For All Who Care About All Living Beings

2007-04-11T16:29:00.000-07:00

If you have ever found yourself wanting to help someone in a really concrete way but wasn't sure who or how, let me give you an idea. Please visit Tara's Babies for a worthy cause. This is a fabulous project that grew out of rescuing abandoned and lost animals after hurricane Katrina, and there are some wonderful expansion plans on the way - but they need help. Cash, in-kind, whatever you wish to give. Make sure to watch the Slide Show. To read more about the project, visit Kunzang or Dara..

Moving Out, Moving In

2007-04-11T15:49:00.000-07:00

Whew.... We've moved. Well - we've left 2832 Marlette St. Ironically, for now we've gone all of two blocks to a friend's rental property. Part one is done. Now comes decision making time. But who's in a hurry when there is a front porch and ample sunshine?....

A Quick Check-In

2007-03-27T11:33:00.000-07:00

There are likely to be few updates on my blog anytime soon. Here is one reason:

... and here is another one (or four):
from left: Bruce's mom, Tia's dad, Tia's brother, and Bruce's dad

My brother and dad are visiting from Finland, and during their visit Bruce's parents are also spending the weekends with us. As we make do amidst boxes and packing tape, we are enjoying what are the last few days in our house as we've known it... In a few days we will all scatter around the globe. My brother and dad will be returning to Finland and Bruce's parents will make their treck back to to Wisconsin for the summer. Bruce and I will be left moving our things into storage... and after that we will have some time to think about our future. It is a strange, and a slightly scary, feeling to know that this house will no longer be our home - or the "hub" that it has been for family gatherings and parties with friends. There are so many amazing memories to take along on our new journey - and so many questions about the future. At times I get excited about the whole adventure, and other times I feel slightly panicked or irresponsible about our non-plan. Either way, it is a good time to practice non-attachment and being in the moment.

And in this moment, I choose to enjoy our family and the glorious Florida weather!

Survey Time

2007-03-20T05:09:00.000-07:00

I (we) have decided that the "meeting Bruce and getting married within two weeks" is a story best left for May 18th - our eight year anniversary.

So, today I want your ideas, opinions and thoughts on something - however outrageous and outlandish they might be... (Perhaps knowing my audience I shouldn't encourage you TOO much.... but what the heck!!)

To set up the scenario:

You already know we have finally sold the house. And now we still have to decide which way we're headed. The options on the table include spending a few months in NZ to see and experience it together and then;
1) allowing a decision about moving there to come to us, and possibly shipping our belongings there
2) returning to the US and buying an RV and touring the country while doing odd jobs on the road - for however long it moves us to do so before settling down again.
3) moving on to Finland...

Any given day one or another of those options has both of our votes. But that's the fun of what we're doing. We are free to decide.

So - here is the question I am posing to you:

What kind of work could I do on the road if Bruce and I were to go with the RV scenario? And before you suggest I become a mobile (no pun intended) auto mechanic or a Mary Kay Representative, let me give you the basics...:

- I hate sales. I would become an auto mechanic first before considering sales
- I am good with people
- I LLOVE animals
- and nature
- I am not scared of public speaking - in fact, I enjoy it
- I have a BFA with a major in Interior Design, although I never did a day of paid design work
- I am an MSW and a Florida licensed clinical social worker and a hypnotherapist (I see I am opening myself up for a roadshow here....!)
- I like working with teens and kids in general
- I am not afraid of physical labor
- I love adventurous (maybe bordering on "a little dangerous"?) stuff
- I have some experience with horses, ropes courses, expressive arts, martial arts, kayaking...
- I am a trained Static Line Skydiving Instructor
- I get bored with monotony
- I am good at office work but would rather avoid it
- My Myers-Briggs type is INTJ - although I feel more like an INFP at times...
- I would consider getting some amount of training, if the idea was worth it. (I am kicking myself for not having attended massage school!!)

OK - it's your turn. What should I be when I ~~grow up~~ take on the open road? I can't wait to hear!!!

Inner Critic - Part Two

2007-03-14T15:23:00.000-07:00

I know I have promised to tell you the story of how Bruce and I met, and with the house sale steadily moving on I have plenty to share regarding that whole process, but first I want to share with you the second part to an earlier post - transforming my Inner Critic. (Probably more so for my own benefit than anything else - posting my process here allows me to see yet new dimensions in it. So..... I am dragging you along. Sorry if it gets way too touchy-feely for your taste.)

I see the recurring theme and element of Fire in my pieces lately. I equate that to my life force. I finally feel it is now time for me to allow my fire to burn brightly, to illuminate myself and those around me with all of my being. To be fully in and of this world while also knowing I am just enjoying a temporary trip here. In the past I have allowed the Critic to try and stomp out the flames (she never did manage to do it) because to burn brightly was too scary. Who did I think I was anyhow?! Then, lately, I became lost in the "if it's all an illusion, what is the point anyway?" questioning - which, let's face it, was yet another way of being scared.

So my critic and my fears have been the co-creators of my experience for a long time, trying to convince me "it's just too scary" or "it's just no use". Which, interestingly enough, has only lead me to continuously question and push through those fears, whether by becoming a skydiver, moving abroad alone when I was 18, or, now, selling our home and not knowing what will come next. It is now my desire to move into the next phase of my life with less anxiety and less fear. Instead, I would like to walk in more faith, consciously creating my experiences, choosing things because I want them, not because they might suit the image I need for others to have of me. I'm not sure what all of that means or what it might look like. Or if I can actually live up to it. But I'd like to try, and I'd like to have fun while I am at it.

So anyhow... transforming the Critic in a visual form turns out to look like this:

I hadn't intended the painting below the fire to be a part of the piece but it seems to belong there. It is a mandala I painted nine months ago now.

Here is what came as I wrote:

"A fire that can no longer be contained or stomped out. Passions that must flow. Creativity bursting with energy. Fear that is transformed as the evidence grows more and more indisputable; I am worthy.

The holding onto an old story is getting old. No-one wants to hear it anymore, least of all me. It is no longer relevant. A new, transformed story emerges. Of a woman in love with herself. A woman capable of standing her own. A woman needing no excuses. A woman who is strong enough to disappoint or do the unpopular in order not to disappoint herself. A woman whose inner strength is ready to become visible to the world.

The fire burns away the unnecessary and unneeded. Selflessness and humility can only grow from the fertile soil prepared by shedding of that which no longer serves. The fire is bright. It attracts those wishing to dance around it. The warmth and protection it provides comforts those gathered around its glow. Wisdom and strength firmly rooted in the Earth. Swirling smoke reaching for the Sky, carrying each action and word forth - prayers reaching the Divine.

Burning. Burning. Burning. Fed by eternal forces, never ending.

'Yes', she answers, 'I will dance with you!'"

Speechless

2007-03-11T09:39:00.000-07:00

Kumba at Busch Gardens Photo by Joe Schwartz

This appears to be how Bruce and I do things. Following a gut feeling. Even when what is being asked of us, or the bigger picture, is not clear. So yesterday we entered into a contract to sell the house.

We have no idea what comes next.

And it is absolutely OK.

The certainty of this decision being right for us now feels as abundantly clear as my proposing to Bruce on our third date, three days after our first date. (It's a story you haven't heard yet, I know. And I will tell it soon, it is a pretty cool one.)

Right now, I am grinning from ear to ear.

It is time to buckle our seat belts - the steady click of the chain dogs pulling us up to the summit of the roller coaster has subsided... We're about to take off! (And I now know how I will use some of that passion and creativity burning within me!...)

Time flies when you are having conversations with your inner critic....

2007-03-07T04:56:00.000-08:00

I have wanted to blog sooner, but I just seem to go through these phases of nothing coming out. I've been feeling pretty depressed lately. That appears to be the theme as of late, and frankly, I am sick of being with it, breathing with it, experiencing it, feeling it, talking about it, moving with it, writing about it, or making art about it. Or, attempting to transform it when it clearly doesn't want to be transformed. So, even though I am sick of me experiencing this state, I am trying to have patience and compassion with it - and with myself. It is not easy. I'm over it. And yet it appears I am not.

The past two weeks our focus in the Art and Healing class has been our inner critic. We have gone from simply inviting him or her out to have a dialogue (the above image being that) to creating a piece that helps us transform this adversary into something we can honor (which I will share with you once it is done). I have had some mixed feelings about this particular focus. On one hand I felt more than ready to tackle it as it seems it is a topic I know all too well. On the other hand, I felt instantly tired and had a "been there, done that" reaction. I know that comes from feeling scared. Scared that I can't transform it, that it will be just "more of the same", that what I will encounter is something so powerful I won't know how to handle it, that I'll never be rid of it's debilitating affects on my life... Honestly, I would rather dump the critic in a garbage can than honor it. And yet, when I pay attention (because I am really trying not to throw it in the garbage!) there seems to be a theme emerging. Of an internal fire that is being stifled. An energy so powerful it must be contained. Passions that must be stomped out. Anger that isn't allowed expression. Creativity that can't afford to see the light of day for fear of criticism. Surely it is not safe to let all of that loose.

So I have a vested interest in keeping the critic around. Who wants to deal with all of that anger, passion, creativity, and vibrant energy!? Isn't it much easier to.... um.... ignore it? Even if sitting on the lid makes me exhausted, cranky, apathetic and ....... depressed? Hmmm.....

She Who Yearns to Dance

2007-02-21T09:39:00.000-08:00

Kunzang asked me in my previous post who I would be if I named myself "She Who..." I answered the question without thinking about it at all, and out came "She Who Yearns to Dance". I was a little baffled by the answer. I had no idea why that was it when I could think of others like "She Who is on a Journey", "She Who is Learning", or "She Who is Blessed". As one that could just as easily be "She Who Thinks Too Much!" I will give my intuitive knowing the benefit of the doubt and go with the Dancer.

Then something lovely and serendipitous happened. I went to my Art and Healing class last night, and the evening's process was about movement. I was instantly slightly panicked, as the thought of moving *while others watch* made my stomach twist into little knots. I know I glanced at the door more than once. I even thought it would have been a great evening to be sick.

Of course I realize these very feelings are why I needed to be there, in that moment. I was about to say hi and get close to a part of me that doesn't get to see the light of day very often. I knew I needed to just breathe through the fear, and as I did that I felt a sense of sadness about feeling so self-conscious. About my body. About expressing it. About being truly seen. About receiving unconditional support. So much fear.

And then I danced. In front of a caring witness. For 5 minutes. It felt GREAT! It was liberating, exciting, beautiful, gentle, powerful! And the clarity with which our bodies express our internal process amazed us all.

Afterward, here is what emerged:

I wrote:
"Here, in stillness I grow.....
I absorb....
In the trusting I release fear......
And I celebrate...........
Me. You. Oneness."

As I processed the experience, there were two other images I had creted a few weeks earlier that seemed to "belong" with this image. They might make more sense if you had witnessed the dance. Or not.

"Opening.
Searching Light.

Gently reaching, fragile Trust.

Wanting transforming into
gratitude for what
is.

That place in us
where we surrender.

To a greater Will."

"A Oneness.
A point in time. A decision. A beginning.

When I no longer look without,
but within.

It has no bounds. There are no limits.
There is no secret.
I can just be.

Life unfolds with me at its center.
I am the center, I am the edge.
I reach out as I fold in.

The life that is here,
is but a seed.

Forever unfolding.

Ever present.

Searching that which is already found.

With, and for this, I give thanks."

What is it all about? I am not sure. It is a journey. And I am on the path, dancing.

Steppin' Out

2007-02-19T05:18:00.000-08:00

Amidst our weekend visitors, Bruce and I managed to steal a bit of time for ourselves to go support the 19th Annual Sarasota Festival of the Arts. Yup, we braved the bone chilling winds and temperatures to walk around the art booths. I am so glad we did! Not only did I get some much appreciated alone time with my husband, but we saw some wonderful art work. What I seemed to be most drawn to out of all the work was the whimsical and the witty... bright colors and a sense of joy and humor about the work.

Something that instantly made me giggle was this little guy (yes, he came home with me!)

He just looked like my artist muse/frog fairy begging to come home with me! I keep wanting to call him Wilbert, but I'm not sure yet... What do you think? The artist's name is Mary-Ann Collins, and she is based out of Raleigh, NC. The brightly colored, glow-in-the-dark frogs, lizards, blowfish and various bugs were just too fun to pass without going and saying hi! My mood was instantaneously 150% better. And I wasn't in a bad mood to begin with!

The second booth that I just couldn't resist was the Wonderful Wacky Women! If you go check out Suzy Toronto's fabulous work, you'll understand why. I just "had to" buy two of her "Wacky Women" for my girlfriends.

They are called "She who Has Arrived' and "She who Seeks a Better Way". All of these amazing women come with stories that make them even more fabulous. Suzy's work reminds me a bit of Brian Andreas' Story People. The styles are different, but the spirit is the same. Both inspire me to have more whimsy in my life. And both make me want to be creative myself. It's an on-going call of a tiny voice somewhere deep within me that is steadily getting louder...

I get To Be with Two Bs

2007-02-16T05:18:00.000-08:00

I have a date tonight. With TWO guys!

This one:

and this one:

I'm excited! My honey-of-a-husband surprised me with tickets to go hear the Florida Orchestra perform Beethoven's Piano Concertos Nos. 2, 3 and 4. It has been forever and a day since we last did something like that. I can't wait. I enjoy classical music, and used to take piano lessons for many years, but I wouldn't consider myself a "sophisticated consumer" of classical music by any stretch of imagination. Bruce, on the other hand, used to be a music major before switching to visual arts, and so he is always playing this composer or that and rattling off the names of the pieces as he goes. I enjoy watching him enjoy the performances as much as I enjoy the performances themselves. Plus, there is the getting a little dressed up, having a glass of wine before the concert, and generally just breaking the routine of our everyday lives. And lately that routine, as you know, has been all too filled with confusion and frustration about our non-move. So I welcome the distraction by Beethoven. Compliments of Bruce. My very own MacDreamy/MacYummy/MacAmazingHubby.

Fire Within

2007-02-14T05:03:00.000-08:00

Two weeks ago I signed up for an Art and Healing class. It is the second in a series of several that could lead to a certificate in Expressive Arts Therapy. I love the class. It had given me a place to work on my internal process while being witnessed by a group of incredible, power-full women. And, it has gotten me back to my old stomping grounds at the Ringling School of Art and Design. (Who knew three months ago that I would be THERE again?!)

The point of Expressive Arts Therapy is NOT to create pretty pictures ready for show or selling. The work allows one to express and explore deep, and often unconscious, emotional processes. This is often done through a combination of visual expression, movement, sound, and writing. It's like journaling - but in three dimensions and outside of our head.

Last night's class had us working, after some standing meditation and movement, in larger format. I titled mine "Fire Within".

Here is what I wrote, stream of consciousness, about it afterward:

"Vibrant. Strong. Powerful. Explosion into vibration.
Upward, Reaching.
I am less scared of the furnace that is my power.
The fear transforms, is a catalyst for reaching outward.

That which I fear wants to find me outside of myself.
It wants me to free it - to show it the way.

FEARLESS AND FURIOUS.
Awesome in its energy.

There is more. The exploration unfolding, gaining intensity.
The fear I feel is so much less than the Source.

Is there a possibility I could extend forever?"

"What about me?"

2007-02-08T15:44:00.000-08:00

(photo by Tia - Suwannee River Bank Mighty Oak)

I wish to thank Kunzang for her beautiful comment, and the above link (title) she sent me in her comment to my previous post.

I am finally feeling more up than down these days. As I have stayed quiet, this experience, this process, has continued to unfold for me... Not always in ways that I find easy to accept - but it does keep going. In this post I will not attempt to recap all the steps along the way, I'm merely going to write from where I am today. This may therefore seem very disjointed and random - but I finally feel like writing, so this is what it will be...

There are a lot of joys in my life. I have reasons to walk in gratitude every single moment. Much of the time I realize this. And yet, many times - all too many times in a single a day it seems - I also forget this. I get wrapped up in this fictional story called "me" and "my life". Instead of joyfully observing, I get personally involved, and attached, to the drama. I feel intense feelings. It all seems so real. Over and over I forget the truth that I know to be. And therefore, it follows, I struggle.

Today has been one of those days when I have struggled more. I have questions and no answers. Or so it feels. I don't feel as angry as I have felt lately. Just depressed. Well, maybe angry too. But most of all, I feel confused. At least I no longer feel abandoned. So I have made progress.

I have been reading the series "Conversations With God" by Neale Donald Walsch. The message is one that I have heard before, through many different books and movies, and as always, it is the most amazingly comforting, nurturing, loving message I have ever heard. It is one that rings true to me. It is, in many ways, what I know to be in my deepest being. And yet, it seems, I consistently deny that truth. My actions speak louder than my words. Why do I make this so difficult for myself? What fear, what illogical thought, what non-truth am I holding onto that makes me choose a belief in the "lesser me"? I can only imagine it is fear. Fear of what though? Fully taking responsibility for my life? Fully accepting that I am a part of the solution to the problems in this world, and that what I do matters? That if I stop being so concerned about being loved and focus more on being LOVING, somehow I might go without? (I don't even believe that as I write it, but it was a thought I had so I am leaving it there...)

So what I am struggling with is (well, there is a WHOLE LOT more - but this is the most pressing "stuff" - it is, after all, MY drama!); since we create our own reality with our thoughts (which are energy), and we are only granted that which we MOST desire (because the natural laws of the universe can't do ANYTHING BUT THAT - and even science is finally coming to this conclusion), WHY do I seem to, at this time, desire or need to attract this experience of confusion, un-clarity, indecision??? WHAT is it that I am seeking to understand or remember or realize here? WHAT in this lack of clarity and sense of feeling lost and this drama of "losing our dream" is helping us? WHY is it that apparently our souls have desired (and attracted), for more than two years now, this vacillating, back-and-forth, struggle? What are we supposedly enjoying, on a higher level of our being, in all of this? WHY would not all the actions we HAVE TAKEN (including committing huge amounts of $$$$, time and emotional energy, and having our house on the market for OVER A YEAR with an overall price reduction of nearly $100,000 - most recently well below our realtor's recommendation!!) be enough to bring about what we thought we wanted?!?! WHAT IS THIS SUPPOSEDLY ABOUT?!?!?! If everything always happens exactly as we would have it happen (according to our deepest soul's desire) then can SOMEONE clue me IN!!???

Clarity is welcome anytime now.

These are the endless thoughts cycling in my head. Being mad at the Universe, only to realize WE are the Universe. And it is ALL an illusion. None of it matters, not really, in the end. Somehow, in the end - and in the mean time - it is all about Love. Being Love. How do I do that RIGHT NOW? Am I to just say "What about you?" in all the moments of my day? Seek ways to do the healing work I so deeply desire to do? Go about being the most loving wife, daughter, friend, sister that I can be?... Bring joy to others?... Quite irregardless of my surroundings, or what "I" might desire for "myself". I need help in trying to understand, in rising above what still seems to be my Ego screaming "What about ME?!"

How exactly do I live in this world while remembering that I am not OF it, when the drama seems so irresistibly real? Why do I resist letting go of the illusion? Why is it so difficult to say "YES!!!" to it all?

Why haven't I been back?........

2007-01-29T17:57:00.000-08:00

......I think because most of the time recently I have felt like that second kiwi from the bottom...

Each time I have sat down to write, I've ended up staring at the screen. Nothing. I have simply been wordless... Or, when the words have come, they have been best left private. I apologize for my non-presence. It's been a necessary and needed time-out.

I'll be back sometime soon, I imagine. Stronger. Clearer.

Until then, be well my friends.

So Long NZ - at least for now...

2006-12-21T03:00:00.000-08:00

I am 17 hours and 50 minutes away from starting my journey home to Bruce.

I can't wait to see him.

And yet there is also a sense of sadness about leaving NZ. I don't know - and for now I guess I don't need to know - what it has all been about. These three months have felt like a lifetime. I am leaving behind, once again, people and places I've grown quite fond of. I don't know if we are meant to end up in NZ. Maybe. Maybe not. But I do know I have been deeply touched, and forever changed, by this land the native people call "God's Own".

For now, I bid all of it farewell. E Noho Ra.

Kia Kaha. Kia Toa. Be Strong. Be True.

YYYYYYYEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2006-12-05T00:59:00.000-08:00

17 days and counting!!!! I will be back with my honey.

What happens from there, I don't know.

And right now I don't care.

I will take it as it comes.

And it will be fine.

(And I will have internet again!!! YAY!!!!)

Windy Wellington

2006-11-18T21:58:00.000-08:00

I'm at an internet cafe on my way out to eat and wanted to say "hi". The trip to Wellington has been good. Today I finally had beautiful weather (it had been POURING RAIN for two days - nonstop), and I took full advantage of it by spending the day in the Otari-Wilton Bush. Wonderful trails and spectacular views within a few kilometers of the city center! I hiked for about four hours. Sorry I can't post the images yet, I don't have the cable for my camera along for the trip. Later though.

It might be the fact that it is finally not raining, or the fact that I got to go out onto a trail, or maybe just the city itself, but today I felt like we could enjoy living here. Wellington is beautiful. There are people (other than tourists) walking the streets, drivers are curteous(!), there are cafes, pubs, museums, arts, the ocean, the mountains, and the knowledge that the South Island is just a ferry ride away.... It isn't a huge city, but it's got spunk. The roads are CRAZY! In a very sick way, I am enjoying driving them - it's a good challenge. Thank God for automatics though!!!

The drive here would have been beautiful had I not sat in a perpetual cloud of rain. Hopefully on my way home tomorrow the Desert Road will be sunny... I'd love to see the views. There was a sign for wild horses crossing the road at one point...... I think I might take off into the desert it I got to see that!!

Anyway - just a quick hi - I'm almost out of time here. Be well my friends! I hope to be online soon.

Blackout in Blog Land (once again)

2006-11-16T02:11:00.000-08:00

Tonight is my last time being able to post for a while. Tomorrow I am going to return the datacard, get a refund and a canceled contract. Woohoo! Except that it will probably be a while before I get the broadband sorted out. So, I'll be off the air again.

More riveting news about what continent we'll end up on coming up soon!...... (I can't wait to find out!!) In the mean time, be well my friends.

Questions. Decision. Options.

2006-11-14T23:18:00.000-08:00

Nearing the two month mark... Feeling a little better in some ways, but unsure in others. I think I am mostly done with the intense episodes of emotional upheaval over being so far away from Bruce. But it doesn't feel good that I am getting used to being without him. I think I've just come to accept it, for now.

It is hard to separate this experience into what is natural grief over the loss of my life in Florida, what part is about me missing Bruce, and then, finally, what part is just simply me reacting to how NZ feels to me. Some times I am clearer about that than others.

We have discussed me returning home after my three-month visa requirement has been met if nothing has changed in regard to the house in FL. We would still have the option of returning here if in fact we can sell the house. We would now have more information on which to base the decision, and most importantly, we'd be together while we wait. And, perhaps I would gain new insight after experiencing FL again. I've met people who said they absolutely hated it here intially and decided to go home only to discover they no longer belonged there (wherever that may have been) - so they returned. It feels good to know I am not totally alone in my experience. Not that I would go as far as to say I "totally hate it" here. It has had its challenges. But I know that isn't about NZ - it's simply that I had expectations that haven't entirely been met. So I have to let go of why I thought we should come here, and perhaps something will begin to reveal itself.

I know it hasn't been in vain that I've made the journey here - I've learned a lot about myself. Maybe not totally new information, but certainly in a new light. But I do find it hard to let go of my expectations... So, surrendering to the experience and experiencing the feeligs while not becomig overcome by them has been one big lesson.

In the mean time I am making the best of my time here. I am enjoying meeting other immigrants, seeing the beautiful nature, and being outdoors. Oh, by the way, I LLLLOVED mountainbiking!!! I had SO much fun!

Just Being

2006-11-11T12:18:00.000-08:00

I know I can't be totally depressed. I am still shaving my legs. That has to be a sign of hope. I mean, my man is 8000 miles away, we had a hail storm just two days ago, and I haven't even SEEN my legs in weeks because I am too cold!

So I must be doing OK.

Last night I spent some time with my art supplies again. It was nice to get lost in that process... I was also making a birthday present for my friend Kate, and while I surfed the net for some quotes, I also came upon a few others that inspired me to create something with them. Below is one that made me laugh. Seemed timely for me...(please ignore the less than professional cropping of the canvas.) The quote is by Brian Andreas - the author of "Story People". FABULOUSLY inspiring books, by the way!!

In a bit a coworker is picking me up and we are going mountain biking. I keep trying to tell her how hopelessly out of shape I am and that Florida was FLAT, but I don't think she understands... or cares. I just hope she intends to drive to the top and pick me up at the bottom.

Next week on Friday I am taking off for 3.5 days to go exploring in the capitol, Wellington. It was originally where Bruce and I were planning on landing before I got my job offer in Rotorua so I have been really curious to see what it is like there. It should take me about 6 hours (considering that I drive like a tourist) to get down there. I haven't made too many plans for what I'll see yet, but I have next week to do so. I saw that they offer horseback riding on the beach, so I might try to book that if there's space... I've always wanted to do that, but when I had a horse I didn't have a beaches and when I had the beaches, I had no horse... Now just might be my chance!

Since I am having a hard time finding my sense of humor....

2006-11-08T21:44:00.000-08:00

I bring you this sign on a store window instead. (Sorry about the reflection on the glass....)

And how am I doing?.... Still no resolution from Orb. The manager did write me back and said this would be fixed, but I have yet to see that. Apparently the universe wants me in relative isolation for now. Not that I couldn't sign up for the broadband - I just REALLY don't want two internet bills when it is not necessary.

I've found a car. I haven't got it yet, because my co-worker has to find a replacement car first - and before she can do that, she has to move into their new home they just bought. So I wait. Whatever. It might be three or four weeks before I can have it. Unless I give up and go home before then.

I've had two days of being very down. Today is a little better. I await for some sense of calm knowing to descend upon me... Up until now it's been anything but calm emotionally. I happened upon an Alternative Healing "fair" last Saturday (it was more like five practitioners had decided to get together). One of the healers tested me for free and told me I needed the essence of Orange right now. I had NO money on me and she didn't take credit cards so I couldn't buy it. Then yesterday afternoon I was home feeling TOTALLY out of control sad, panicked, and upset, balling my eyes out - and out of NOWHERE an orange landed on the roof of the house. No-one was around. There are no orange trees around. But this orange just landed on the roof and rolled down the metal roof. I saw it fall off. I looked up "orange" in my Nature Speak book (about the messages and medicine of plants and environments in general) and orange is about "trusting emotions and dreams", "releasing fears and emotional trauma" as well as "calm". OK then. Well, I have been asking for signs lately.

It’s Been So Long I don’t Know if I Remember How to Do It

2006-11-01T00:42:00.000-08:00

...Get your minds out of the gutter - I am talking about updating my blog!!! Geesh!

It appears I am on parole and out of Telecom Prison on good behavior. So far they have given me a 50% credit on the $955(YEAH!) bill and they have actually agreed that the service, or more appropriately lack thereof, from the Orb Communications store that sold me this product and signed me up has been unfair and appalling. I am still working on getting the contract voided. It may or may not happen. So, I am in the process of lodging a formal complaint with Orb Communications Headquarters about the store in Rotorua - and specifically the ever-so-brilliant sales person with whom I’ve had the misfortune of crossing paths. If all else fails, I may ask all of you to send him daily ~~hate mail~~ feedback, or at the very least sign him up for all the on-line dating services you can find.

Anyway, I am VERY happy to be back. I can’t tell you how much I missed you all!! It has been a HUGE challenge to be going through this transition and then discovering, with no forewarning, that I had been cut off from the people I love and care about. I’ve cried. I’ve wanted to run to the airport fourteen times a day. I’ve probably had more than my share of wine… I suppose in a way it has been good (I have to keep reframing things or I’ll go bonkers…). If I had had the opportunity, I might have sat in front of the computer in stead of going out and doing so many things. And, I might have whined and cried and moaned to you a lot. OK, so A LOT more than I already have. Now I am feeling kind of OK and don’t feel like moaning. So consider yourselves lucky. *grin*

So, what exactly have I been up to?… Well, I have wheels, for one! OK, so there’s only TWO wheels so far… But I am a bit more mobile on my brand new mountain/street bike. Judging by how much I huff and puff coming up the slight uphill to the house (major overstatement by the way - I think a soccer ball might not start rolling downhill if you didn’t nudge it along…) my bike won’t see the forest for a very, VERY long time. Not to mention mountains.

Today I did, however, go back to do the “moderate” trail in the redwood forest again - and had definite moderate chest pain (major understatement this time). So I guess I am right within the target range. That’s good to know. Apparently the less fit people who keep passing me have to resort to running the entire trail because they can’t tolerate the agony for as long as I can. We all have our challenges.

I have also rented a car two weekends in a row to go on “Tikitours” around the area. YES! I’ve driven on the left side of the road!! Most of the time, anyway. I’ve only cut one person off when I was supposed to give them right-of-way (what stupid dimwit makes it a rule to give way to someone crossing oncoming traffic?!), and I have only gotten stuck in one roundabout once. Well, technically, I didn’t get stuck. I just couldn’t figure out how to exit at the right time and had to come through the same roundabout three times from three different directions. Life is an adventure.

Most recently I did a 450 KM drive to and along the Bay of Plenty Coast. The scenery was absolutely breathtaking. It got to a point that I would still be on the trip had I kept on stopping as much as initially I did. Eventually I discovered that each turn unfolded yet another incredible scenery. I was surprised to realize just how much I’ve missed the ocean since I’ve been away from Florida. I knew I was deeply connected to it, but didn’t know just how deeply. Seeing, hearing, smelling and feeling the ocean made me exhale and let go in a way I hadn’t yet done since getting here. The serenity of the waves crashing onto the beach in the face of all other turmoil and chaos is a constant that always sets me right as soon as I witness it. I could have stayed for days. Below are some pictures from the trip.

This is where I stayed the night - right on the beach.

In the gorge crossing over to the other side of the island (which I didn't do this time around.)

Mt. Manganui's beautiful beach
Huka Falls - within inches of the edge.

Huka Falls

People at work have been more than kind. They are giving me rides, loaning me their cars, inviting me to Thanksgiving dinners, taking me tramping (get out of that gutter again!), and in general being genuinely concerned for my and Bruce’s wellbeing. I couldn’t have asked for a better workplace. I’m left to do my work with clients as I see fit, and I don’t even think I’ve begun to understand the amount of freedom I do have there. I am still so conditioned to a different way of working.

These past few evenings I’ve been cleaning the house now that my landlord has moved. It feels good to make the place my own. I’ve set up the master bedroom and moved there from my “single” quarters in order to affirm Bruce’s swift arrival. As much as all else has gotten better, his absence from here continues to make my life a bit more gray each day. Every wonderful thing I’ve seen or experienced is bittersweet and tainted by my desire to share it with him. As much as I want to be in the now and accept this experience for what it is, it is still the hardest and least fun thing I’ve ever had to do. I am learning a lot about myself though. I suppose that is good. Perhaps these are lessons I wouldn’t have learned as quickly or as deeply had we gotten to o this differently. But that doesn’t mean I wouldn’t trade in the lessons in a heart beat in order to have him with me RIGHT NOW. I do get to hear his sweet voice just about every day though, which is always special. I think I won’t let go of him for days when he gets here. My clients will just have to understand.

Quick Update

2006-10-25T23:39:00.000-07:00

OK, I am at work WELL after hours (I actually biked back to work to get on line – how desperate am I?!?!?!) to do a quick update for you before it gets dark outside and I will have to brave the deathly roads of Rotorua to bike back home. Technically, I am not even supposed to be on blogger from work, but if anyone gives me a hard time I think breaking down in tears of frustration at the lack of contact with my friends and family will possibly work for me………….

It hasn’t been the brightest of times for me, as you have probably already gathered from bruce’s blog……

And I won’t even talk about Telecom and what idiot the sales person there is. OK, well I can’t resist this one little bit – just so you don’t think my calling him an idiot is totally out of line. Telecom decided to cut me off – without EVER sending me the first bill. So, on top of all the other brilliant things he did (like telling me that his grandfather is having no over-usage problems with Skype, so why do I?), today the sales person left me a phone message to tell me he had E-MAILED me further details. E-MAILED!!!!!!!!!!!! He E-MAILED something to a customer that they have CUT OFF FROM THE INTERNET!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OK. Enough said. Thanks for listening. I’m done. =)

But besides that, it has been a rough five weeks. All over-emotionality about being so far from Bruce aside (NOT so easy to do!!!!! And actually, it’s not OVER-emotionality at all – it is simply intensely painful to be away from the love of my life), I am not even remotely convinced about this being the right move for us. But we’ll see. I think we’ve agreed to give it three months. That’s roughly seven more weeks, and counting.

I think right now ONE Skype call from my god-daughter in Finland could convince me to pack up my bags and tell Bruce to meet me there! I guess it is a good thing I don’t have access to Skype, huh?

Anyway…. The sun is fading fast and I have a 5K ride ahead of me so I will run. I miss you all SO much! Thank you for all the well wishes, light, and love you keep sending. It means the world to me, and I am sure Bruce can use the support right now as well.

Contact Update...

2006-10-22T15:44:00.000-07:00

Hey everyone. I'm here on Tia's behalf. She wanted me to tell you that she is alive and well, but is now completely cut off from internet and facing a $700NZ internet bill and the company she is with cut her off without telling her. SO! Don't worry, all is well. We're sorry for the delay in posting, but we're trying to work out the glitches of being apart, working and living in countries thousands of miles apart and maintaining life and communication.

Cheers! I promise Tia will be back soon!
~bruce

Our New Home

2006-10-10T01:19:00.000-07:00

As I had mentioned before, I finally found a place to live. A co-worker of mine is getting ready to move to Gisbourne, NZ, and she will be renting her home. She had assumed I was looking for something to buy right away and hadn't even thought of mentioning her place. She is allowing me to stay with her for now rent free until she leaves on the 28th, and then the house will be ours to rent as long as we need and want it. So finally I have somewhere for the cats, the container, and most importantly, BRUCE to land! I can't wait to welcome him and the kids to our new home! It is a three bedroom house in a nice part of town. I am 3 minutes from a very quiet, small airport (yes, they advertize skydiving), 3 minutes from the redwood forest that has miles and miles of trails, and 10 minutes from the lakes where Bronwyn first took me for a picnic. Also, it's only 3 minutes from The Outdoors Man store - a very large camping/outdoor equipment store! I like the house alright, and I try to do my best not to keep comparing things to "back home". It's hard though.

This evening I went for another nice walk in the Whakarewarewa redwood forest. I found an amazing path among what seem like some of the "elders". There is a very special energy in this place, and I found myself in tears several times from sheer awe. I think if I allowed myself, I could just sit down and really sob by one of these trees, letting it all out - the stress, frustration, exhaustion, and intense longing... I must come back here to meditate and journal some time soon.

Koru

2006-10-09T02:50:00.000-07:00

The koru is the unfurling of the fern leaf. It represents growth, movement, new life and new beginnings. It is a very significant, sacred symbol for the Maori. I camptured this image of one for you yesterday on my walk in the redwood forest.

I find it interesting that roughly a year ago, when I was first introduced to doing touchdrawings, the two below were a couple of my first pieces. I was immediately drawn to them more so than any of the other pieces, without knowing why exactly. They were the first ones I ever mounted onto canvas. Touchdrawings are very much about working with the uncoscious (they are also known as soul prints - I love that name!), and according to my friend Tamara who has worked with them more than I have, they are about 6 months ahead of our consciuos process... Is it coincidence that I kept creating what looks like Korus over and over...? Hmmm... I don't know. But I do like them.

Incidentally, Koru also means "jewel" or "jewelry" in finnish.

Birthday Gifts All Around Me

2006-10-07T21:16:00.000-07:00

I am doing much better. I have finally found a place to live, and I am working on getting a vehicle. I have booked myself a driving lesson on Wednesday so I can learn to be a defensive driver and STAY on the left! A co-worker of mine said he'd put a cardboard sign in my vehicle on the passanger side saying "Go sit on the other side!" Haha! (I keep walking to the driver side when I go to get into people's car...)

Thank you for all your wonderful birthday wishes and continuous support while I am adjusting to our new life without Bruce here yet. Please keep lighting candles, saying prayers, sending us all the positive energy you can muster, and WHATEVER else you can think of so that I can have him with me soon!... This is hard. In reading my last few posts I feel a little ashamed. I have been very whiny lately. While I do feel that I can use my blog to say exactly how I am doing without sugar coating it, I also recognize that relatively speaking I have no problems. And I continue to have a choice in creating my reality each moment of the day... I am starting to feel better, and I hope I can begin to convey that in my entries a bit more. But, reality also will remain that as long as Bruce is not with me my heart won't be right.

I have been incredibly blessed by wonderful people who are doing their very best to make me feel as good as I can, considering that I am heartbroken. When I first got here, I immediately met Kate from the US while running around trying to get my internet up and running. (She works at "Nerdsville" - if you can't guess, it's a computer store.) She just moved here 3.5 months ago to be with her partner and she has quickly become a good friend. We've laughed and cried and shared stories about how the change has been for us. I am so grateful for her kindness and willingness to help ease my homesickness and loneliness. Her partner, Dean, is a Maori man and a truly beautiful person. They have both welcomed me as a part of their family and they continue to think of ways to spoil me.

For my birthday, on top of being taken out to a lovely lunch by co-workers, getting gifts and cake and tons of hugs, (and having this place to live turn up!) I was also invited to join Kate and Dean and some of Dean's co-workers on a "bar crawl" from Rotorua to Tauranga and back. Dean is a manager of a hotel and he had arranged for a van and a driver for all eleven of us to go and have a great time. We had loads of fun and to top the evening, Dean proposed to Kate! So now there is an April wedding in the works! I can't wait to attend a Maori wedding.

Our group on the bar crawl. (Dean is the big guy standing on the left and Kate is the blonde in glasses.)

Last night, Kate picked me up to go to Dean's hotel for a buffet dinner with her, her daughter Lauren, and Dean. It was the best meal I have had here so far - and there was so much food that we were all bursting by the end of the evening! After dinner, Dean had arranged for us to attend the Maori concert which tells of the history of the Maori people and demonstrates their use of weaponry. The warriors demonstrating the various Haka were truly formidable! We got to participate and practice our skills with the Poi. The Poi is a pod attached to a length of braided flax fiber. When whirled about, it can be used to mimic sounds of birds flying, waves hitting the rocks, and more. The women use the Poi to help tell the stories while they sing and dance. Mainly Kate and I kept banging our Pois into each other while laughing hysterically - but never mind... We need practice!... But we decided that soaking in the hotel's natural mineral spas was a better use of our time for now. Aaaah....... I do know how to pick my friends, don't I!?

Also - as if all of this hasn't been uplifting and lovely enough, this morning I was greeted by this e-mail from my amazing husband:

"I am so proud of you in so many ways I cannot express it in words my
love. I admire your courage, your bravery and your presence of mind. I
see how you are with your friends, how your spiritual bonds unite those
around you and light up their lives. I have seen from time to time how
you handle challenging tasks with your profession and you swat at them
like a tiger swats at a fly. I have seen you face some serious personal
challenges, physical and emotional and come through a beautiful person,
unscathed by the experience. I have watched you grow and transition
into a strong and secure spiritual warrior, you are iron wrapped in
cotton, you have what it takes to source from your inner self the
strength to endure. I have the utmost faith that we will persevere and
endure this challenge and come out on top of the world. Sit on a
pillow. Chop wood and carry water. Source your strength. Be the
warrior I know you to be. Wear your cloak of Tia. My favorite quote of
the day: 'Which is more important: to attain enlightenment, or to
attain enlightenment before you attain enlightenment; to make a million
dollars or to enjoy life in your effort, little by little, even though
it is impossible to make that million; to be successful, or to find
some meaning in your effort to be successful? If you do not know the
answer, you will not even be able to practice zazen, if you do know,
you will have found the true treasure of life. And then you will have
begun.' ~ Shunryu Suzuki-roshi.

Call me if you need me, I think I will be at the computer most of the
day, doing little by little, even though I know it is impossible to
make that million today.

Love needs no words darling."

How could I not know that I am truly blessed beyond my wildest dreams?

Talking to me this morning this same lovely husband told me to go hug a tree in the nearby redwood forest, so I did. I felt instantly better. And yes my love, I did tell them hi from you. They request your presence.

Love and strength to all of you my dear friends....... You all continue to hold me up.

Another Day Survived...

2006-10-04T22:46:00.000-07:00

Still no car. Still no final decision about a rental place.... But I do have friends, a place to sleep, clothes, food, and money in the bank. That probably puts me in the top 7% in the world right there. There are a lot more things I'd LIKE to have - but those fall in the category of conveniences, I suppose.

I did look at a place today, with a rent that is more than I'd like to spend while I am on my own, but it would be safe, and it would be a place where all of us (three kitties included) can stay until we know where else we might want to go... It's the best I've seen so far - that's all I can say. I guess basically I am culture shocking a bit. Houses here, and the standard of living in general, are SO not what I am used to - unless you have the $$ to spend on a more modern place. And anyone who knows me well knows I am not a "high-maintenance" girl by a long shot (all teasing by my husband aside). I am not afraid to roll up my sleeves and get dirty, and I am used to being creative and making do with what is available. I am also willing to adjust to our new home country, and in the long run I'll likely be happier for it, but right now it's all a bit much.... The shift from stopping the comparisons with what "I am used to" and what is now my new reality is the in-between time where the discomfort lives. The sooner I can stop that, the happier I'll be. Right now I am very much in the thick of that shift.

I know I sound like a spoiled brat, so forgive me, but I don't understand the lack of storage space and closet space - or central heating in houses here?! WHY would so many homes in a country that gets as cold as it does here (because let's face it, it gets PLENTY cold - and we're in spring!) use space heaters as a way of heating!? That's like heating a house by having a hairdryer to keep it warm. Yes, some places have fire places, some have thermal heating, etc. etc. - but a lot of them don't. And I won't even start about the closets.

OK... Well, anyway. I am looking outside the window, and the sky is a beautiful mix of blue and orange as the sun is setting behind the mountains.... The birds are chirping endlessly, and the Rhododendrons all over the place are bursting with so many flowers that I keep thinking the branches will break any minute. I AM in a beautiful place. I will come to know, one day, that all those things I miss and have just left behind are going to be replaced with things that will become even more dear to me.

I just need to flow and breathe. There are lessons here. And so much beauty that I haven't even begun to explore!

Whine, Whine, Whine....

2006-10-03T01:33:00.000-07:00

Ugh........ Just letting you know I am still alive. Not having loads of fun right now, trying to find a place to live and a vehicle so I don't have to keep walking EVERYwhere. It is fairly chilly (especially for a wimpy "Florida" girl) and it keeps RAINING. And then RAINING some more! Businesses are all done at 4:30 or 5, so I can't get anything accomplished after work. I'm tired and cold - and fairly cranky. Right now work is the least of my concerns - it sounds quite easy so far - but of course I could be sadly mistaken.... After all, I am still only in my second week and don't have to do a whole lot. On top of it all, my internet monthly allocation for "downloading" was up on the 7th day I had it (yeah!), so I am probably going to pay an arm and a leg until I find out if I can upgrade my plan at all.. (DOn't ask me how internet works in NZ - I couldn't tell ya!)

Oh well. It was to be expected. I knew I'd have challenges and the bottom line is, Bruce and I chose to do this. It will get easier. I will forget how much I struggled with some things. I will eventually eat a home-cooked meal again. And, on Friday (homeless or not!), a new friend I've made is taking me on their monthly family "bar crawl" with them!! It promises to be an evening of laughter, some good beer, and lots of Karaoke (only definitely NOT by me!) I could use some fun. Especially since it'll be my birthday and I won't have anyone here with me to celebrate it. *looking very pathetic and fishing for sympathy here*

I miss you all. A LOT! Be patient with me. Eventually I'll feel more settled and maybe I'll even find my smile somewhere.

Heard in the Office

2006-09-28T02:40:00.000-07:00

Bronwyn: "OK, off to our social worker meeting we go. Have you got your pencil?"

Me: "Yup. All set."

Bronwyn: "How about a rubber?"

Me: ".....ehem.... no.......?" (Whichever kind she means, I do not have one...)

Bronwyn: "Well, we should have Val order you some, make sure to write that down."

Me: "......OK....."

I suppose those will come in handy when I use my topless pad. You see, we don't all have our own computers, and the one we do share was acting all dickey today.

Foot Lose

2006-09-26T22:12:00.000-07:00

My feet have officially had it with walking everywhere! I have blisters and hot spots all over. So now I have to get really creative about getting around in shoes that won't kill the rest of me (namely my back - oops, too late!!) and that my tootsies can actually also tolerate. I think I'm reduced to "jandals", which would be flip flops. Crap. I am such an out-of-shape soft-footed wuss. But other than that I am a "box of fluffies"! Bronwyn is picking up catching me with Kiwi-isms right where Bruce left off with American-isms! What exactly are fluffies?!

I am getting a bit more into the swing of things at work. Some things are very much the same as in the States, and then of course other things are totally different. Health care being the biggest, and most overwhelmingly positive, difference. Perhaps most Kiwis might not agree that their health care is that great (and I found that in Finland as well - where the health care is probably the best in the world), but coming from the States, they really don't know what bad health care is. I practically started crying when I asked Bronwyn about the funding for services and she looked at me completely cockeyed. She said, genuinely confused, "Oh, no. There are no fees...?... That is not even a consideration...." And to fill most prescriptions is NZ$3. NZ$3!!! Yeah.

Also, we have two psychiatrists on our team. They are so laid back and "normal" that I accidentally confused them with social workers. There isn't a slightest sense of elitism or pecking order regarding titles... The doctors (who I have never heard be referred to as "Dr. so-and-so" yet) have time for anyone (especially clients) and have the most natural, warm disposition. In fact, Bronwyn had Mike (the doctor) run after a client after they left their keys behind! I was having fun trying to imagine doing that in the States! I'm sure those individuals exist there, but I sure didn't run into any in all my years dealing with medical doctors. (Sorry if I offend anyone, just my experience, that's all....) Also, no-one has their diplomas, licenses or other miscellaneous certificates on the walls here, just jokes and funny posters.

Everyone is also consistently calling their spouses or significant others "partners". Everyone. Civil unions (= gay marriages) are every bit as legal as heterosexual ones. And since everyone uses the word "partner", it actually does what it was intended to do - include everyone and allow for and respect diversity. I used to always have a feeling that "partner" was code for "they're gay", because no-one else used the term (at least 98% of the time they did not) - and using it became just another way of "outing" someone.... So in the end I never knew what was the best.... Here I've actually corrected myself a few times when catching "husband" slipping out of my mouth. Not that anyone has told me it is bad form or considered improper to use it - it's just not what I hear people saying.

It is kind of interesting arriving in this land of my dreams (and that of many others) and getting right to the heart of troubles though. I knew it would be, seeing as I am a social worker after all. I found that when I arrived in the States 16 years ago, it took me roughly seven years to come to understand the country more or less "inside out" (as much as one can anyway) and to know that along side the "American Dream" there was a whole different side to the story. I think that adjustment here will be far shorter. On one hand I wish I could have been afforded more of a honeymoon, but I suppose on one hand I'll have a far more realistic view much faster. Oh well. The overwhelmingly gorgeous outdoors will keep me feeling like a "box of birds"! (Can a box of birds really be that comfy and happy though?!?!)

Kia Ora from Zippy's!

2006-09-26T00:18:00.000-07:00

I fear Bronwyn may have done a very bad thing introducing me to Zippy's cafe! Last night we had dinner there after work, after she had first driven around with me to look at a possible rental. We didn't find the exact location of the flat, but the general area was just gorgeous. She called it "within walking distance" - and I call it "No Way in Hell!" I did say I was looking forward to getting some exercise, but jeeesh - I am not ready for 10K daily just to get to work!!!! We were half way around the lake, it seems. Sure, it would be scenic, but I think I might have to leave around 7 AM to make it on time! Well, anyway - back to Zippy's. I had the most divine Salmon avocado foccacia sandwich!!! Bronwyn thought it was quite funny I whipped out my camera when the food arrived. I thought it was almost a shame to touch it, it was so beautiful. But then I took a bite and got over that very quickly!

Unfortunataly I didn't realize until now that in her picture Bronwyn has her eyes closed. She is so sweet. I could not have asked for a more wonderful, warm hearted, considerate, and professional person to be guiding me. She is just a sweetheart - and I think she is REALLY excited to have the promise of relief (me) at work so she can get out from underneath the heavy workload a bit!!

Today I attended my first clinical meetings and it felt SO good to be among a professional team again!!! I can actually feel blood flowing into parts of my brain that have been dormant for some time now! I have some refreshing and resharpening of my own skills to do - but I look forward to it. I get home and feel quite exhausted, but I suppose that is to be expected. After all, it is a new county, a new accent, new laws, new protocols and policy, and a new job...... I have a tendency to expect that I will know everything by tomorrow. Including speaking Maori fluently.

Just please God, make the Kiwis realize they must start driving on the right!!

(One can always hope, no?)

And God, if you can't do that, then please just get Bruce here sooon!

Saturday Images

2006-09-24T16:40:00.000-07:00

Here are just a few pictures from my tour with Bronwyn. I could have snapped pictures every time I turned my head, but didn't. And these ones appear a bit overexposed so the richness of the colors doesn't come through at all. Sorry.

This was from a lookout on the way to Lake Tarawera.

This is Lake Rotokakahi - the sacred lake no-one is supposed to go to.

Mt. Tarawera, all 1111 meters of it. The rest blew off in 1886. Apparently it had the most gorgeous, and quite large, natural terraces out of white and pick crystal that were completely destroyed in the eruption. People from all over the world would come to enjoy them. Now that gem stone treasure is strewn about the island and at the bottom of the lakes. A black swan and some ducks came to greet us on the lake.

Finally - images!!

2006-09-24T15:26:00.000-07:00

These are some of the images I had wanted to share on my walk yesterday... I''ll work on uploading a few of the first ones from my tour with Bronwyn in just a bit.

This is Lake Kuirau steaming. I learned this morning that it is not the chemical constitution of the water that will kill here but rather the fact that the water is boiling hot - so it is OK to touch these pools if you're careful.

The white roofed area to the left is where one of the foot baths is...

A bit eerie walking through some spots where you are just overtaken by the steam.

The buildings up on the hill are the hospital. This hill is scared to the Maori and was therefore donated to the hospital so it could be a place of healing.

The sulphur gathers at the banks and makes the edges of the pools orange and yellow. There is a bright yellow crust over the soil in places. Also the sulphur in the air is going to mean frequent cleaning for any silver as it tarnishes quickly!

I will share some other things later - and eventually I'll stop the "tour guide" like reporting and will touch on how *I* am doing... I learned this morning that there is a Maori name for the experience Bruce and I are going through right now... Whaka Pu Naka. It means "Longing Heart"... People here are so sweet and sensitive to the fact that really a large part of my heart is currently missing!

Other-Worldly Rotorua

2006-09-24T00:04:00.000-07:00

Blogger is still not allowing me to download images.... Annoying!!

Rotorua is probably most known for it’s steaming hillsides and boiling mud pools. Today I took a walk in the park that is directly below my balcony. Its name is Kuirau Park, which is the name of the largest boiling lake there. The Maori legend goes that the lake was originally called Tawakahu and was cool enough to swim in. A beautiful Maori woman by the name of Kuirau used to swim in it all the time. In the lake lived a Taniwha (a scary lake monster, I think?). The Taniwha usually let Kuirau swim in peace while admiring her beauty, but one day he could no longer contain himself and took her. At this point there are two told endings - first being that she died from being so terrified, and the second that the Taniwha took her to his lair to stay with him. Either way, the Gods got so mad they made the lake boil in order to get rid of the Taniwha.

There are multiple pools of boiling sulfuric water and several mud pools all over the park. The lake is by far the largest and most beautiful. Elsewhere in the park I was walking along and would here random bubbling and gurgling right next to me from a pile of rocks, and then realized that was mud boiling. The mud pools smelled quite strong, but the lake and other water pools were not stinky. It was a bit eerie walking along the footpaths and bridges that would go directly, and within inches, over some of the pools. Especially after Bronwyn had told me that while she has worked at the hospital, two inpatient patients have managed to commit suicide by running down and jumping into these pools!

There are lots of natural beauty products that contain the Rotorua mud in them… and of course there are spas all over the place! Apparently there are also some more hidden pools that the tourists don’t get told about that the locals visit, and they are free. I won’t go alone anytime soon - I think you have to know which ones are safe to get into! In the Kuirau park, there were also a couple of lovely stops surrounded by gardens where one could sit on a low bench and soak one’s tired feet in the warm water rich with minerals. I didn’t stop to do that today, but will definitely plan to do so while I am staying so close to the park.

Perhaps tomorrow I will write to you about the Whakatau Ceremony and my general first impressions from work… Wish me luck! I am glad I’ll have Bronwyn there - that helps settle the butterflies a bit!

Our New Home

2006-09-23T02:01:00.000-07:00

I hesitate to post anything because what I have experienced and seen today, there simply don't seem to be any words for..... I don't know where to begin... (And Blogger won't allow me to download the images - so I apologize for all the rambling on without the eye candy.)

At 11 AM this morning I was picked up by my co-worker Bronwyn, an absolutely delightful South-African lady, who then proceeded to take me around for the next ten hours and showed me some of the local popular spots and the most amazing scenery I have ever seen in my life! I think I was in tears within the first two hours, and simply could not fully take in the fact that this is now our new home! At one point I think I exclaimed to her: "OH, I think I could live here!!!", and she replied: "Darling, you DO live here!". She actually teared up from seeing my reaction to what I was seeing. I wish I could show you what it is I *felt* when viewing the scenery. "Humbling" and "Awe Inspiring" simply don't seem to say enough. I feel I am in the presence of something truly Sacred here. The chills that kept running through me would not stop. I have come home. Now I only need to get my soul mate here.... I hate the thought of another day going by without him being here with me, seeing all of this glorious beauty.

Before we even got going, Bronwyn explained to me that on Monday my orientation would begin with a traditional Maori Welcome Ceremony called "Whakatau". It is led by the Maori elders and promises to be quite special. Once we left the hospital grounds, we headed to Zippy's - a local artsy hangout that had a sticker by its front door stating: "Friends don't let friends go to Starbucks." I was in love already. The "Tall Black" that I had was some of the best coffee I have ever tasted. And I LOOOVE my finnish coffee, so that is a HUGE compliment! The place also shows local artists' work, and Bronwyn was confident that they would love to have some of my work up if I wished to do that. Fortunately I did bring my art supplies so I can begin working on some pieces as soon as the initial whirlwind of everything settles down.

We also visited the local indoor climbing wall - Bronwyn had been very thoughtful in her planning and couldn't wait to show me all the extreme sports opportunities and camping equipment stores. She kept referring to details from my interview (from January!) and recalled all the things I had mentioned as my interests! The wall was 19 meters (roughly 60 feet) tall with MULTIPLE climbing options. Quite impressive. Bronwyn's stepdaughter is a NZ climbing champion and so she promised I would get my share of being up on the wall with her when she is not climbing around the world (literally!)!

We then headed to the building in which I would be working but she did not take me inside as she said that it would be disrespectful to do so before my formal welcome and the Whakatau. She did, however, take me around the immediate vicinity and showed me some of the sulfurous grounds that are simply dead - as if someone had poured acid all over everything. Apparently the fumes can get quite dangerous and some tourists have even died here either touching the toxic pools or sleeping in their campers in areas that are not safe due to the fumes. We are on a very thin crust of earth here and everything below and around us is quite active! It reminds me of Hawaii's Volcanoes National Park a bit - except that this is right outside the front door of my work place! I guess I better watch where I am walking!?

Next we headed a bit out of town toward Lake Tarawera. Along the way there was when I started crying. The natural beauty of the landscape just hit me right in the chest and squeezed my heart so hard that I was left both speechless and almost breathless. Each winding curve in the road revealed more beauty - lakes, hills, mountains, gorges, cliffs, volcanic craters... just endless beauty. It is as if God had just had an absolute heyday trying to one-up himself putting it all together!!! There is simply no way to describe it.

We passed two lakes, Tikitapu (Blue Lake) and Rotokakahi (Green Lake) - although those names are not the translation of the Maori names. It seems most everything in NZ has a Maori legend about it, and these lakes are no exception. I will tell you more about them some other time. Lake Rotokakahi is Sacred to the Maori, so no-one is allowed to touch the water, let alone swim in it. There are several burial mounds on the islands that are in the lake. I do not know what would happen to someone who is caught disrespecting the Maori spirits - and I don't think I ever want to find out!

Mt. Tarawera is a dormant volcano that last erupted in 1886 and did HUGE amounts of damage. Two villages were completely buried and the top of the mountain was scattered all around the north island. Thanks to blowing its top, Mt. Tarawera is now "a mere" 1111 meters tall. You can get a helicopter ride up the mountain and walk down into the crater or you can tramp ("hike") up the mountain with permission, after paying a fee to the Maori tribe. Apparently some Paheka (meaning "pale face" = non-maori people) are a bit miffed about that, but I find it refreshing that something Sacred is being for once protected, unlike for example the Ayer's Rock in Australia. Bronwyn and I sat across the lake from the majestic mountain and enjoyed a picnic lunch.

From the lake we headed to Bronwyn's home. She has two acres just south of the lake, overlooking the lake - a breathtaking view. She also has a dog, a cat, and three donkeys - all of whom are named after Lion King characters. At her house she flooded me with information about the nearby sights and activities - I recall only a fraction, and that includes kayaking at night seeing glow worms, a national park full of wild - yes, WILD - horses, blackwater rafting in caves, mud pools, mineral spas, tramping trails, redwood forests, skydiving, trout lakes where the trout is so plentiful you can pet(!) them, surfing, swimming, motorcycle touring, shopping, artists' studios - all of this within a few minutes to an hour's drive in any given direction! It will take Bruce and I years before we have to worry about seeing the South Island - which is supposedly the more spectacular of the two! I don't think my heart can take it!.....

We finished off the evening at Lovely Indian restaurant (that is the name of it). Apparently the physicians that come from India will only frequent this one restaurant out of the many Indian ones in the area, so the food must be quite authentic. I had my first dish of lamb - and I have to say it was delicious! Bronwyn's partner Martin also joined us for dinner. He is a geological scientist and could tell me quite a bit about the soil and volcanic activity here. Fascinating stuff! There are three larger dormant volcanoes quite near us - with the potential of erupting some time in the future, and with some rather devastating results - but apparently it is sort of like being in Florida and living with the threat of hurricanes... One just comes to accept it. Hmmm..... (Not sure I want to own a home in "zone Red" though..... It doesn't sound good, does it?)

There is so much more that happened today... The conversations about how we each came to choose NZ, the comparing of our cultural backgrounds, the insights into my future work and the multidisciplinary teams at the hospital, the Maori culture and their beautiful language, the less-than-paradise side (apparently it does exist) of NZ, and so much more!.....

I could not have asked for a more gracious hostess and host, and my heart aches from sheer joy and awe of this place and its people. I feel I have spent an entire week here already with everything we saw and all that I learned today. I can't wait for MORE!

First Task in NZ Accomplished!

2006-09-22T04:18:00.000-07:00

Well, besides arriving safe and sound that is!...

The first order of business just had to be checking out which way the water flushes in the toilet! (And no, I hadn't used the bathroom - this was only a flush done purely for research with viewers in mind...) Sorry I am not more technologically advanced or I would have recorded the event and posted the film clip.

I'll post more later, right now I am waaaaaayyyyy too tired to stay up much longer. Just one quick picture of the view from my balcony though! The steam you see is the thermal activity that one can see all over Rotorua. Tomorrow I'll go explore more closely!

Oh, and the mountains in Fiji!.....

It's NOT just bottled water!!!

2006-09-20T12:21:00.000-07:00

It really does exist!! I have a 3.5 hour lay-over in Fiji, and since I can't seem to get in touch with Bruce over the phone I had to buy some internet time... and it should follow that I check my blog while trying to burn up the 50 minutes of access I had to buy...

So, you heard it from me folks! Fiji does in fact exist, and while they won't let me out to inspect the "bitches", I *can* say that the mountains are GORGEOUS!

More later!

love,
Tia

Even if I have a hard time letting them go...

2006-09-19T06:15:00.000-07:00

they keep letting me go!!!

Yesterday morning I was drying my hair so that I could get out the door with last minute errands, and I started to smell that familiar smoke again. Yes... This time it was my hair dryer. As I swiftly unplugged it (this time without even tripping a breaker - I am getting good at this!) it downright burst in flames inside.

It really did not need to be that melodramatic about it. I get it.

So, here I am - free of my electronic devices (don't worry Keda - I'm all set...) and ready to take on the Land of the Long White Cloud! Thank you for all your well wishes and love! I am happy I don't have to pay for tickets for everyone that is with me in spirit! Keep sending us that light and strength! We can both use it right now.

Love to all of you,
Tia

You Are All With Me

2006-09-17T18:25:00.000-07:00

Please know that in the days to come, as my blog remains un-updated (and I am sure it will for a little while), I have you all in my thoughts and in my heart. You are a part of the reason this transition is easier for me to bear. You give me strength. You make me laugh when I am waaaaaay too stressed. You bring me to tears with your unconditional support, your insight, and your wit. You lift me up and give me courage. I thank you all for being with me in spirit as I take off on this big EXCITING adventure! Please keep us in your thoughts, and send some positive energy out there so that I may soon hold my most precious love in my arms again! You are the best!

Love,
Tia

Tribute to My Curler

2006-09-13T14:10:00.000-07:00

I think my appliances are trying to make it easier for me to let go. Yesterday morning my hot air curling iron went out in one big *poof*. The lights flickered and finally went out, there was a slight smell of smoke in the air, and just like that, my curler was gone.

I guess after so many years, it couldn't bare the thought of possibly being dragged off to New Zealand and being used with *gasp* an adaptor, while all along feeling "less than" the native electronic devices... only to eventually die a lonely death in a foreign land.

One less thing to carry. Sigh.

Heard in the kitchen this morning....

2006-09-12T04:35:00.000-07:00

My husband to the feline pawing at the floor while drinking water: "You are so weird."

My husband, speaking for the pawing creature based on the inquisitive look he gets from the same creature: "Look who's talking... You're the one wearing other animals' skin on your back."

Touché!

Later, I am making my morning coffee and tell my husband (who loves me even when I am being less than sane): "Whatever you do, when you are packing up the kitchen [for our move], pleeeeeease make sure you bring along the metric measuring spoons."

(It is a matter of life and death, you see.)

My loving husband: "OK, honey. Good thought."....(pauses to think)...."..Don't you think they have measuring spoons there also, though?"

Good point. Maybe I can let go.

I am so grateful to wake up to another lovely morning - especially because it was via the mini-snuggle when the same loving husband crawled back into bed to make sure I was awake.

Sometime very soon I will share with you some pictures and memories from the women's circle my very dearest soul sisters put together in my honor on Sunday. It was amazing - and I don't have the time right now to do it any justice. Off to see a real estate attorney....

Let us Know Peace

2006-09-11T06:11:00.000-07:00

Let us know peace.
For as long as the moon shall rise,
For as long as the rivers shall flow,
For as long as the sun shall shine,
For as long as the grass shall grow,
Let us know Peace.

Cheyenne Native American

I Wish Denial Was Just a River

2006-09-08T09:48:00.000-07:00

OK, so for several days I have spared you all the exciting, juicy details of how I am coping with getting ready for our (currently only "my") move abroad. Mainly because, well frankly, who cares - on a DAILY basis - that I am freaked out? The world has much bigger issues. I realize this.

But I AM freaked out.

Most of the time I feel like putting my paw on my eyes too when thinking about attempting to start thinking about packing. I have started a list, er, many lists. So Bruce just got over his list-making neurosis, and now, at any given time, I have ten of them scattered about the house. I have my must-absolutely-have-or-the-world-will-come-to-an-end list of carry-ons. Which, let's face it, is a joke in and of itself right now. I try to keep track of what is currently allowed on the plane, I really do. I think I am clear on the fact that water is out but gel-filled bras are in. And, according to the TSA, FAA and USPA taking my parachute as a carry-on is still OK as well. But no toothpaste or - gasp - vacuum-packed string cheese! I suppose the likelihood of the cheese exploding on the plane is in fact greater than my prying open the emergency door at 38,000 feet in order to jump out with the cheese. Well, anyhow, back to the lists. So, currently my must-be-carried-on list consists of enough items to fill two large suitcases. I need to work on that a bit.

I also have the must-come-with-but-can-be-packed-into-checked-luggage, which could also be called the SO-not-within-the-allowed-weight-limits-and-you'll-be-paying-through-your-nose list. I think I may need to consider UPS. Which, given the fact that the address for my place of employment actually includes a line that says "Cnr Whakaue and Hinemaru Sts" makes me a little nervous. "Ay mate, just drop that packet off where that one-eyed dog usually sits!" Corner of Whakaue and Hinemaru Streets?!? That's the address!?! I will love this country! (Side note: they also JUST got zip codes in NZ! That is AWESOME!)

OK, then there is the Bruce-can-ship-if-I-need-him-to list.... Which, in essence could be EVERY THING and by the end of it all, we may not need a 20'x20' shipping container after all. We can just inconspicuously sneak by customs with all of our worldly possessions one tiny UPS packet at a time! Oh, and then the can-live-without-for-an-unspecified-length-of-time list. There is nothing on it. I always thought that the "what would you take onto a deserted island" question was so cool. Now I hyperventilate slightly. And NZ isn't exactly deserted. Even if the Aussies tell the Kiwis to "tell the last one out to turn the lights off"! Ha ha! (Read that on the "islandinthepacific" blog - thanks D! I cracked up when I saw it!)

And then there are the TO-DO lists....... Shopping (for a gel bra - Hey, at least some parts of me should get to travel in comfort and style!), renew driver's license, banking, power-of-attorney's, medical records, return borrowed books, make sure CATS GET SHIPPED OFF!!!, find out ~~if creditors can extradite you~~ how to make arrangements for bills to get paid, notify just about everyone in the northern hemisphere that we're leaving, life insurance, can I bring my cell phone and get service in NZ?, plan a farewell party, drink all remaining liquor in the house (can't sneak that stuff past even UPS - damn!)........... it goes on and on for pages.

Our cats are definitely catching on that something B.I.G. is coming down the pike - and that we're losing our minds. And they know that there could have been a very real chance they could have gotten left behind. Fortunate for them (and me), I have a husband that thinks it is his husbandly duty to support me (well, and there was the one "if the bikes go, the cats go" comment) in my willingness to pay the equivalent of a brand new sports car's worth in veterinary, shipping, and quarantine costs in order to make sure the kids get to come with us.

I am not kidding.

A NICE, foreign made sports car.

So the cats try to be good sports and show us that they are brave enough and ready for this trip. We have the sky kennels out so we can all acclimate to them. Only some of us are not catching on....

Alright. Crossing off "update blog" on my list. Now, where the heck is that liquor?...

Power of Intention

2006-09-07T06:37:00.000-07:00

This is a water crystal from the Japanese Shimanto River, photographed by Dr. Emoto, who has studied the power of intention on water crystals and has written, among other things, the book Messages From Water.

http://psiarcade.com/crystal2/intro.html - the link refuses to work - has a study where you can assist Dean Radin, Ph.D., in a triple-blind version of his initial study looking at the effects of distant intention on water crystals. He has posted 50 pictures of frozen water drops that you can assess based on their beauty and level of interest. It should take you no more than 10-15 minutes. The results should appear in the Explore (explorejournal.com) in Sept., 2006. (I just got the e-mail about participating in the study today, so I am assuming there is still time to do so.)

If you are familiar with the movie What the Bleep Do We Know - or were awake at all during biology - then you remember the part about the human body consisting mostly of water. Dr. Emoto's scientific findings support the idea that the energy and vibrations around us have a direct effect on us on a cellular level. The quality of the foods we digest, the music we listen to, the "entertainment" we watch on TV, how we speak to ourselves, all of it! effects us energetically. And we, in turn, help create the "vibes" at our home, at work, and in the world at large..... In his book, Anger, the Vietnamese monk Thich Nhat Hanh speaks of digesting the meat of an animal that has suffered and has been under tremendous stress prior to being slaughtered, and how that suffering effects us, the consumers. He says, "We must eat happy eggs from happy chickens." Just reading that makes me smile.

Interesting things to think about... What is the intention you want to set for yourself, and for the world around you, today?

'nough said

2006-09-06T07:52:00.000-07:00

The Circle of Violence

2006-09-05T06:20:00.000-07:00

During my usual morning routine of having a cup or two of coffee and reading the news on-line, I came upon this story in the NZ Herald about the US soldiers now facing possible death sentences for raping and murdering an Iraqi girl and then killing her family. I'm sure it has been all over the news everywhere but I happened to first read about it here. And my heart sank. For the little girl who knew more horror in her short life than I can fathom. For her family. For the soldiers who've seen and committed more violence than, I believe, any human heart can contain in a lifetime without being irreparably damaged. For this insane war.

Now we are killing the people we are sending over to Iraq to kill the people we want killed because they are now killing the wrong people the wrong way. I get that there are “rules of combat” and “military laws” and that we are after the “Axis of Evil” (which would strike me as comic if it wasn’t so damn sad and arrogant!), and all that other rhetoric. But I am confused.

SINCE WHEN HAS VIOLENCE STOPPED VIOLENCE!?!? I mean, REALLY. stopped it? When has it ever ended the cycle of hatred and desire for revenge from the other side? When has it truly soothed the heart of a mourning mother to know that the killer of her baby has been killed? Is that what truly gives her peace in the deepest part of her being? In how many ways, how many languages and how many sacred teachings are we told the same thing, over and over? We cannot do something to another living being without also doing that thing to ourselves.

Is it easy for me to condemn all these actions from my safe and cozy home, with my warm cup of morning coffee? Sure it is. Would I have the inner conviction and strength and faith of Buddha? Jesus? Gandhi? Mother Theresa? Dali Lama? if I was faced with violence and hatred that hit closer to home? I have my serious doubts about that. But I choose to keep my heart open to the possibility that their weapons of choice; prayer and compassion, will win in the end. But to get there, I have to begin by shedding hatred and violence from my own heart. And I haven't even managed to stop eating meat yet.

It's All in the Name - Or Is It?

2006-09-02T13:17:00.000-07:00

Tia, 3.5 yrs.

My husband says I still have the same smile. (I promise you I no longer have the same hairstyle.)

Tia is a nickname I had when I was younger. For some reason it was the obvious choice for me as a blogger identity when I started my blog. Since that time, it feels as though I have rekindled an old relationship from the past - and I am rather enjoying it. I had forgotten many things about her! Lately, I have been toying with the idea of using Tia as my name when I move to New Zealand. Not that I don't like my current name, because I really do. I always have. To me, it is unique and beautiful, and I have never run into another "me". However, the other fact is that it is also a bit complicated for most people. Some of my friends of ten years or more still don't know how to spell it correctly. Tia seems simple and clear and fun. No complications. What you see is what you get. Playful. Fresh.

It would not be the first time that I have changed my first name. When I lived in Sweden, I went by my middle name. It happens to be a more typical Swedish name, and therefore it was less complicated for everyone. And, fresh out of high school, I think I also wanted to reinvent myself. Am I looking to do that again? Perhaps. But maybe even more so than that, I feel like through this process I am changing. In significant ways. And maybe a new name (that is really an old name) would be a way to recognize and honor that. I don't know. I will continue to give it some more thought.

There is another interesting point about the name Tia that almost makes me feel like I am SUPPOSED to start using it in NZ. (OK, so you may think it's silly, but I thought it was kind of wild.) My job will be with the Lakes District Health Board in Rotorua, which is toward the central part of the North Island. This district also includes a city named Taupo, by Lake Taupo. That area's true full name is "Taupo nui a Tia", which translates to mean the "Great Cloak of Tia". Tia was the name of the great tohunga (meaning a priest and a "keeper of the secrets" - a healer) and a chief, who was the first person to explore the interior of the north Island. So, maybe it would be fitting that I adopt that name again. I know I could use a bit of "chief spirit" as I go forth in this adventure and my quest to be a healer! What do you think?

Songs of the Earth - My Song

2006-08-30T06:23:00.000-07:00

A very dear friend of mine called me up last night and asked if I'd like to go out for some custard. (DUH!!!! - Is the sky blue?!?!!) She came to pick me up and when she did, she also gave me two wonderful newspaper articles that she had cut out with me in mind. The first one was about an engineer in California by the name of Mark Fischer who is using technology to turn whales' communication to each other into visual images. You can read more here. The mandalas to the left are some of the beautiful images created by the whales' songs.

Yesterday I also stumbled upon this website by Todd Mangum, MD, that discusses our own Chakras (i.e. energy centers within our body). In this piece he tells the following brief story: "A number of years ago I heard a tape which had crickets chirping over a background of what I thought was a choir chanting. A few moments into this beautiful mix a woman explained that what was being heard was not a choir at all but was also the same crickets whose sound had been slowed down to a frequency resonant to that of a human. The effect was stunning. Their point was to show that the natural world and all of creation exists in a constant state of praise and gratitude. That this is our natural state. It is not in praise of some being far removed, but in praise of being itself. That in fact the sound of praise, emitted in a million different ways through vibration, creates the universe."

The day before yesterday I was reading Pearl's blog (again! - I swear she is like a multivitamin for me in the morning!) and she was talking about how much she loved this sailing trip she went on, even though she got respectfully sea sick, and proceeded to be quite motion sick well into the evening. It was something about the way she was writing that story... The gratitude that shined through her writing even about a time when the average person (me!) would have probably (definitely) been reduced to a shivering, whiny, pasty-white mess.

Later, during that same day I went to the grocery store. I was feeling at about 8.78 on a scale of 1 to 10 (ten being off the charts) "anxious, teary and freaked out" about our up-coming move and about trying to sell our house (having just lowered the price - again.... and pain in chest about that starting - again). I was walking around the fruit isles, and saw a young man, about my age, being led around by one of the bagging girls. He was blind. He was talking to the girl helping him about how he thinks he might want to get into teaching, and "oh, by the way, can we get some peaches too? I love peaches."

Now, sometimes when the Universe hits me with the proverbial two-by-four on the side of the head, I can actually be dense enough to carry on as if nothing significant had happened. But then, sometimes, (usually at these times of said "denseness"), the Universe sees it fit for me to be on the receiving end of the proverbial lumber yard falling down on my entire being. At that point I usually do sit down for a bit, take a breath, brush off the saw dust, and look around. Needless to say, my state of "freaked-outedness" went from 8.78 to a 1.6 (I'm working on it!) in a fairly swift manner...

My lesson these days? The same as any other day of my life - only I am taking one of those "express courses" at the moment. Gratitude. Faith. Humility. Love. (Repeated about 674 times.) To live my life in a constant State of Prayer and Thanks. To be in awe of the beauty and miracle of our existence, and to affirm it through my actions in every moment. To breathe peace and compassion into this world to all the living beings. To step outside of myself and to extend my spirit to those who need it.

The quote on my tea bag tag today says; "Mental expansion is found in the inspiration we give to each other." May you be an inspiration to someone today.

Love and Light,
Tia

WOOHOO!

2006-08-29T16:03:00.000-07:00

OK, so it is totally obnoxiously HUGE, but I actually DID it! I figured out how to copy the code to get the countdown clock to appear in the sidebar!!! I'm so excited!! Of course, it is also advertizing FireFox with an ad the size of Manhattan - while I am using Internet Explorer to be online - but hey! I did it!!!! And it only took three hours!!

SOMEONE PLEASE HELP ME!!!!!!!!

Time flies when you're having fun disassembling your life

2006-08-29T06:27:00.000-07:00

While on the surface it has looked as if nothing big was going on in our lives, the tides of change are definitely upon us. The waves have been building off shore and are now breaking upon the shoreline of our lives. Each one that hits us from now on is getting us more and more soaked. The water crashes and rushes toward us, and then, in a swift and resolute motion, withdraws again taking away with it a small but noticeable piece of what was.

With each washing away, I sink in a bit more. And I am learning. I keep learning the same lessons in new ways. I am reminded that in the midst of all the seeming chaos and upheaval, something stays fundamentally the same. The waves always keep coming in, one after another, never-ending. The tides will recede once again, only to return yet again and again. With each wave the shoreline changes in ever so subtle ways, always.

I notice progress - a shifting within. I breathe in faith and trust. And with the next breath, I am asked to trust again.

Being Amused was Within Me All Along!

2006-08-24T19:38:00.000-07:00

Remember the other day I said I could use to be amused? Well, anyway, I did say that. So, the following day I read something totally wonderful and brilliant on one of my favorite blogs. Yes, I will share it with you - in a little bit. (Geeeez, can you hold on?.......) So, anyway, after reading that wonderful and brilliant thing, I've had a far better attitude and I've actually had a great, no - amused, day today. This wonderful and brilliant thing that I read was a simple and concise affirmation stating;

"Let myself be amused and realize I am in a state of choice."

It can be found on Pearl's blog, here. She was doing her 3rd quarter report on her New year's Resolutions list. (Well, you already know that if you followed my link - Duh, Tia...) OK, so there are two things that strike me as amazing and revolutionary about that right away. First - she has a list of resolutions. Not one. Not two. There's nine items on this list! And she had actually made progress on most of them. Second - she checks up on her resolutions! How cool is that?! I think personally I've always confused New Year's resolutions and April Fool's Day... Well, anyhow. The statement. "Let myself be amused and realize I am in a state of choice." Powerful stuff. It's up on my bathroom mirror. Thank you Pearl.

(and I hope you don't mind me stealing it?)

- your amused Tia

Twenty Years Ago Today and 31 Days from Now

2006-08-21T19:22:00.000-07:00

This picture was taken on Friday, August 15th, 1986 (Go 80s!). It is of my brother Tomi and I, and it is one of the last moments we'd spend living in the same country to this day. On Thursday, August 21st, 1986 -exactly 20 years ago - Tomi took of for Florida to study at the Palm Beach Junior College (also affectionately known as the "peanut butter and jelly college") and would remain in Florida, working at the Kennedy Memorial Hospital, once he graduated. By the time he decided to return to Finland, I had taken off to Sweden and would eventually continue my journey on to Florida. So all of my adult life I have not lived close enough to my brother to have a more constant relationship with him. One of the many downsides of being a wandering spirit...

I had planned on posting this image on the 15th, since that is when the picture was taken, but decided later that it should be posted to commemorate this day. (And thanks to Tomi, I actually remembered to do it!) As this picture was taken, Tomi was getting ready for his farewell party at our summer cottage (behind us) and I was getting ready to go out with my friends. This was also *the* night I got caught drinking for the first time.... But that is a whole different story and I'll leave it for another time....

My little pocket calendar, noting that Pan Am took my brother away. Quite a few tears were shed that day - and many days following. From here started a very tough several months for our family, as we worried about him in the US by himself. At least by the time I moved to Florida in 1990, I had visited before, we knew the area, and Tomi had laid all the ground work for me to be OK and for my family to feel a bit more at ease. He, on the other hand, stepped off that Pan Am flight and - Ta-Dah! - figured it out by himself from there! I can only imagine how challenging and scary that was for him at the time. I can somewhat relate right now.

I realized today that this day next month will be my first day in New Zealand. 21st of September I will step off that flight in Auckland on my own, with no idea what direction to head to or what will happen next. I am scared - but I also can't wait. Once I move beyond the pain of letting go and saying goodbyes, there is new life waiting. So today I remember my past with fondness and gratitude, and I look forward into the future.

[added image on 8.22.06 after a request by Colleen]

big brother and little sister, in Florida, january, 2006.

I love you Tomi - no matter what continent I am on.

your little sister,
Tia

New Addition to the Family

2006-08-21T06:24:00.000-07:00

Yes people. We did it. We finally decided to purchase another computer, so I am posting today on my new laptop. It is also equipped with a headset and webcam in preparation for the upcoming move... soon to be my only way to stay in touch with my husband, until further notice. The computer and I are slowly becoming acquainted, and for the most part we're getting along. But, I do realize I hate having to learn new technology-related things. I dislike the learning curve and the initial awkwardness. I wish I could be like Trinity. Just download the program and off I go in my PVC outfit! *sigh*

I have felt distinctly uninterested in posting. Or talking to people. Or doing anything. I am sick of going through THINGS at home. Wherever I look I see more moving-related tasks to be done. I don't want to look through any more photos or scrap books. I don't want to decide what to get rid of or who to give items to. I don't want to answer the question "Any news with selling the house?" ONE MORE TIME! (sorry... it's my current pet peeve #1.) I just need to disconnect for a bit. The other day, I actually considered going to an amusement park by myself, and I don't particularly enjoy amusement parks. But I could use to be AMUSED. And I am pretty certain stuffing myself into that PVC outfit would not do the trick.

OK, thank you for listening - my allotted time for whining today has been all used up.

Here is my gratitude list for today:
1) I am married to the most amazing man. Truly. There are no words that could describe the full depth of his soul.
2) I am healthy, and my body is full of wisdom. (I could use to listen to it a bit more often - but I am working on that.)
3) My people - my soul family. The incredible teachers who walk with me in all corners of this world. Virtually or otherwise.
4) Being able to snuggle with any one of our three cats. They are the best therapy - and such amazing teachers!
5) I have the incredible capacity to feel - joy, love, longing, pain, all of it.
6) Finnish Coffee. (Trust me on this one.)
7) I survived my teenage years.
8) (This started out as a smart remark about our current political leader - but I decided I didn't want that on my gratitude list...) ...so, the cleaned up version goes: Whatever the state of the world today - I believe that life and love will still win in the end. We may not be lucky enough to witness it, but I keep hoping.
9) Florida thunderstorms. WOW! I will miss them!
10) Self adhesive stamps. (Because it just got too overwhelming to express how amazing this whole trip called "life" really is!)

love,
Tia

Illusion and Reality Dancing

2006-08-17T12:57:00.000-07:00

Tia, suspended over Gulf of Mexico (photo by Bruce)

It is starting to sink in. My life, as I know it, is coming to an end. (Is there a kinder way to say it?) And I am slowly sinking down into the depths of my being where all of the unanswered questions, unacknowledged emotions and any last morsels of all of my unfinished business reside. If I allow myself to fully lean into that sensation of sinking, I surprise myself by finding that I can still breath through it. Perhaps with a bit more effort and with a distinct feeling of pressure in my chest, but I can still breathe. From moment to moment, the heaviness in my gut adjusts itself, as if some internal gauge was regulating my buoyancy in the ocean of my emotions. I am terrified. I am watching as the safety net of my life is being disconnected (was it ever really there?) in order to be boxed up and labeled for shipping. To be reconnected, much later, at a far off place that as of right now only exists for me on a map on our wall. It must actually exist. I have spoken to people who live there. But there is nothing within me that I can tap into for knowing it right now. And as the illusion of stability is being stripped away all around me, (most recently by two husky piano movers who came to take away our first-ever purchase together the day after we got married), I stand here naked and raw.

Aching.
Bleeding.

Begging(!) not to have to let go of another thing.

And more vulnerable than I have felt in far longer than I can recall. In my teary-eyed and shaking state, I am left to decipher if who I am is connected to a place, to the people I call my family, or the things that surround me - or none of the above. When I step forth into this mystery with none of those things with me - and even what I will have, will get sprayed down with a disinfectant once I get there - who will I be at that moment? Who am I with each breath I take? Am I leaving this reality to indulge in an illusion I have created in my head? Or am I waking up from a dream to be fully here - wherever that may be?

For Keda

2006-08-16T16:37:00.000-07:00

My blog friend Keda recently posted a delightful piece about embarrasing moments, so this one is for her.

haera ra,
Tia

I Found His Holiness While Packing

2006-08-16T14:05:00.000-07:00

Sometimes religion becomes yet another source for more division and sometimes open conflict. Because of that situation, I feel the different religious traditions have a great responsibility to provide peace of mind and a sense of brotherhood and sisterhood among humanity.

- Dali Lama

Without inner peace, it is impossible to have world peace. Through compassion, through love, it is possible to become a true human family. Through love we can have true happiness, real disarmament.

- Dali Lama